Confused(Trigger Warning)
Hi. I'm Vara. I've dealt with sexual experiences that weren't so good in my past and I'll give you a back story on me:
Ever since I was little, I wanted a relationship particularly with a boy or man. I didn't know how relationships or friendships formed. I didn't know what consent was. I just knew I wanted a relationship.
I was sexually touched by my peers when I was 7. I wasn't sure what to say or do but I didn't feel comfortable because I felt like they were treating me like a piece of meat, whore or sex worker. All I know in the times I was being touched is that I didn't say no. I just let it pass till it didn't happen anymore. Same thing with my recent sexual experience where my moms husband repeatedly touched and licked me.
I don't know what stops me from saying no or go away. I guess I assumed they wouldn't stop if I asked them to, thought it was right for them to that if I wanted a relationship or a guy to notice me and etc.
Please help me with this, I really don't know what to do or think.
@VaraMoon
Hi Vara, thank you for posting this, I know it couldn't have been easy to write all that out. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of fear and confusion around sexual acts. I know you say that you want a relationship, could you tell me what that looks like for you? What does an ideal relationship look like to you?
It sounds to me that you want to feel loved, you want someone you can trust and who trusts you, and that you want someone who helps you feel safe.
It is very healthy and normal to want these things, however, sometimes our desire for these things can be so strong that it puts us in danger of people taking advantage of us because we want to trust. It also puts us in the position of wanting to satisfy potential partners, making us think that we must say yes to anything.
You are allowed to say no when someone wants to do a sexual act with you and you don't want to. You're allowed to leave a situation where you feel unsafe. You are allowed to feel that you deserve better than you have been treated. You are not alone in this, if you want to talk more about your feelings surrounding this, feel free to post more here or reach out to chat.
@Hoxenos
Hi Hoxenos! Thanks for responding!
My ideal relationship is holding hands, kissing,
sharing our secrets, doing wonderful nice things for each other,seeing each other as important, being in a wonderful unbreakable friendship with little to no negativity betweeen us.
@Hoxenos
I never made a male friend before. Ever since I looked at movies or tv shows or people with partners, I always wanted that but I never knew how to go about it. I think men and women are from different planets. I don't understand men very well. I like them but I don't know how to be friends with them and know the warning signs.
@VaraMoon
Hi Vara, being friends with men is no different from being friends with women. Being in a relationship is really at it's best when you're with someone you consider to be your best friend, and getting to this point is normally easier if you begin as friends. There are many ways to meet people to become friends, my prefered method is by trying out new hobbies that interest you. Things like videogames, sports, classes, and other social activities are great ways to meet new people. There are also dating apps if you live a busy life, and can be good for if you're trying to see what's out there and create distance because you can always control the situation.
At the end of the day, it is important to love yourself and respect yourself. Do you find that you're afraid of boys at all because of your experiences? Or is your comment about boys and girls being very different more about you just not feeling familiar with boys and therefore worry that they are very different from you. I assure you boys aren't too different from girls, but they are more blunt and straight forward in some ways. To summarize the difference between genders, there is actually a bigger difference between a woman on one extreme of a spectrum and the woman on the other extreme, same as extreme men versus each other, than there is between the average woman and the average man. There is less difference between the genders than we think.