Confused and Disoriented - TW

@quickwittedPineapple9365

Hi quick,

Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story with us, I know it couldn't have been easy to write out.

For a long time, we only knew about the fight or flight response for danger, and people who would "freeze" would often blame themselves for not fighting or fleeing. As if not doing these actions means we wanted what happened or weren't actually afraid. We have since learned that actually there are many more survival responses. One of which is "freeze." Now the freeze response has a few uses, one of which is like how opossums play dead to get predators to not find them interesting anymore. Another freeze response is like a deer in the headlights. Deer are not shocked or surprised about a car coming, they think that if they don't move, the "predator" car will not see them and move on. During this freeze response, it is not a calming freeze. You are still experienceing a stress response, and it is so extreme that it overrules your nervous system's ability to run or fight. It can be the most terrifying feeling. It is an ancient part of your brain kicking in. This part of the brain thinks that to survive we must stay perfectly still and let things happen. A part of your brain felt that there was a threat and you may not survive a fight or flee. In ancient times, perhaps this was true if a man attacked a woman, it may have yielded better survival rates to let the man do what he was going to do, and fighting or fleeing only put you in more danger of death or grievous bodily injury.

It may be difficult to accept because he was your friend, and because you were potentially in a place you felt you were safe, but this part of your brain does not really calculate all of those factors. It doesn't realize that running or screaming would have been safe because of the location you were in. It kicked in really old programming that it felt was the best way to keep you alive. Staying alive is nothing to be ashamed about.

It sounds to me like triggering this kind of response meant you felt very unsafe, and that he violated your personal space without communicating to you his intentions. He did not create a situation where you felt safe to say no. I think that leaving space to say no without repercussion is a very important part of consent, and without it, he can't gain your consent.

I don't think you have anything to feel ashamed of. I think you did what you could to get through it. What you do now is up to you and within your control, but know that your body and brain was only trying to protect you. You were not acceptiong him doing that, you were tolerating it, and there is a difference when it comes to culpability.