Finally Opening Up

TW // sexual assault / rape

Hello

all of the things Im about to say happened when I was 14 years old. Im 18 now.

When I was a freshman, I had a crush on a senior in high school. He gained my trust and I even wanted to date him, and I really didnt know what a f***boy was because I was only a freshman and this was 2014-2015. He knew I was a virgin. He knew I wasnt really comfortable with all of the sexual talk. Many times he would ask me to do sexual things and I would say no, but then he would keep pushing and pushing and i felt exhausted so I just gave up and he had his way with me. Eventually, he had sex with me without my consent. Im angry at myself to this day. I should have said no louder or pushed him off. I was so afraid that I would lose him if I said no another time or made him angry. Some people say that something like this is rape but I feel so guilty... I feel like its my fault. I already have Panic Disorder (diagnosed at 4 years old) and Depression (formally diagnosed at 9 years old) so its always been hard for me to say NO. I havent really told anyone because Im so ashamed. Is it my fault?