Going through this again...

*Trigger Warning*

One of my first memories of my sister getting raped by my Mom's Dad.

When I was 11 my mom second husband started with me and when I was 13 I lost my virginity to him.

When I was 15 the guy tried to force me down onto his bed and would have completed the ACT if my friend hadn't come down the hallway but at the same time she just wanted to stay there to drink when I told her it was time to go and I still lived with my mom's second husband.

Last year my cousin who had been assaulted by my mom's dad passed away and I hadn't seen her for 20 plus years.

My best friend was raped by a co-worker and she didn't admit what it was to begin with she just chalked it up to bad sex because she had gone through it so many times that she was desensitized to it.

I was the one who made her realize what it was. She had bruises for weeks and when she finally went to the cops he only got busted for physical abuse and slapped with a restraining order.

My ex was also abusive because we would only do things his way.

And now two weekends ago my friend started kissing me asked if I wanted him to stop and I said yes I just had to figure some stuff out and work through some stuff and then he kept going. He eventually stopped. He apologized said he should have asked first and was trying to see if I was okay but I was at his place and I didn't have my vehicle so I couldn't leave. Then when he went to lay down on the couch he wanted me to lay next to him and when he thought I was asleep he put his hand on my crotch. I tried to slip out while he was asleep but when I was able to move he woke up so I just acted like nothing was wrong.

And when the best thing he can say about a weekend is at least my friend didn't die from covid then I'd say that's pretty damn pitiful.

How many more times am I going to have to go through this shit? I also have gone to the hospital or been brought there by family members or friends because of suicidal ideation. And the last time I went I had a .45 blood alcohol level. I weighed just over a hundred pounds and I am an easy target. Somebody asked me if I wasn't used to the attention and I told him no and I didn't like it and didn't want it from most anyone.

The only guy that I wanted to be with was a guy I used to work with and we almost would have had a thing but I had one red flag and ran. He's the only person in my adult life treat me halfway decent in the bedroom.

I also have auditory hallucinations as a voice in my head and he's kind of a dick most times and he's been around for a decade when I started having sleep problems. My family doesn't understand why I drink and quite frankly I'm tired of dealing with them. But he doesn't talk much when I drink.