Guilt and anger

I was sexually assaulted at 4 yrs old by someone close, this caused me to hace very unhealthy relationships with men in my life. When I was 14 I had a friend group that consisted of mainly men, they were all pieces of shit that hurt me at one point or another, but its one in particular that really ruined me. At 14 I hadn’t even given my first kiss and he knew that, one day we all slept over at a friends house and a bunch of us slept together in one bed. When I woke up the next day he had his fingers inside me. I didn’t do anything, just let him do it. That was the first time. For the next 2 years I would be sexually assaulted and raped by him. He was my best friend, I didn’t want to accept that what he was doing was wrong. It would happen almost every weekend. Our friend group would drink and all sleep over somewhere, Id wake up with him inside me, or with him touching me. He’d wait for me to be very drunk and pressure me into having sex. Sometimes Id say no and he’d wait for me to fall asleep. Most of the times Id just let him do whatever he wanted to avoid a fight. I also forgot to mention he was very violent, particularly with me. He’d hit me, punch me, kick me, slap me. Id come home with bruises and tell my parents I just fell. Id always make excuses for him. The rest of the group loved him so much they also excused his behavior, whenever I did stand up to him about anything they’d all take his side. Eventually at 17 I realized that everything he did was abuse and I started distancing myself from him. Since everyone loved him so much I lost almost all my friends, I was so alone. A few months after graduating high school, around this time last year, I posted something one day that was basically calling him out but without posting his name. A few days later a girl that had been a close friend and had been part of the friend group came up to me and told me she’d been raped by him to. He would use the same tactics with her. Turns out he raped like 3 other girls. In total theres about 5 of us but were still not sure how many there actually are. Since then he’s been canceled and has no social media but with the pandemic all these feelings are resurfacing. I feel so angry and hurt. I didnt deserve to go through almost 3 years of recurring rapes, neither did any of those women. Im so angry at my “friends” that defended him until the last minute and are now acting like nothing happened. A part of me wishes I could see him just to see how miserable he is. I feel like he really ruined me. I forgot to mention but since im 14 ive been a really heavy drinker, id consider myself to be an alcoholic. At 16 id internalized the pain so much I would drink everyday, I would never eat because i would use the money to drink instead. Eventually I started doing cocaine because he got me into it. I was 16 and I weighed 39 kilos, because I was an alcoholic cokehead. I feel so pathetic saying all this. Luckily Im clean now, but I still hace the problem of getting easily addicted to everything. Im just scared when the pandemic is over with all these feelings resurfacing and all these open wounds that Ill go back to doing coke or drinking away my life just because some fucking asshole decided he could use my body like a toy for years. I need to heal.