Idk if this is rape or sexual assault, or a misunderstanding...
So my dad was getting married in vegas. I went dress shopping. I found 2 I liked. 1 was a wedding dress and 1 was more a party dress. I got home and tried them on to show my husband. Before I put on the party dress, I told him I didnt want to have sex. I tried the dress on. I mentioned I wasn't wearing underwear because I was going to put on underwear and see if he could tell the difference. But as soon as I said that he pulled me in and started kissing my neck. I told him "no", "no we dont have time", "no.." I pulled away and went to the room to start packing for our trip to Vegas. He came in after me and kind of threw me on the bed, not aggressively. And started kissing my neck again. I said "no", "we dont have time", "no". I said no so many times. But I literally said no, and he stuck his finger inside me. I was so shocked... I just said his name disapprovingly. But he kept going.. towards the end I started participating just so it would be over faster. It's been hard for me to understand what this is. I didn't kick and scream, it wasn't brutal. But.. idk. It's been a little traumatic honestly. But after talking to him he thought I was giving cues and being persuaded. But I said no a million times.
@loyalSea123 I am so sorry that happened to you. And, yes it is traumatic and very wrong. I am glad that you were able to come to this forum to be able to get some clarity and support. There must be so many feelings whirling around, perhaps betrayal, confusion, questioning yourself... and more.
For clarity, what your husband did was wrong. No does mean no, and there is no misunderstanding of that word; it is clear. A husband should respect and love his wife enough to care about her feelings and desires. Sex is meant to be a physical expression of love, with care and tenderness. That is what, as a wife, you deserve. You did nothing wrong. You were asking your husband's opinion about the dresses you bought. I hear you questioning yourself, when you mentioned that your husband told you that were giving him cues and being persuaded. That, dear loyalSea, is him trying to make you feel like you brought it on. No, does mean no, and should be respected.
Are there other instances in your relationship, where something does not "feel" right about your husband's words or actions, but when you bring it up, you are told you are misperceiving, being too sensitive, or such? These may be some red flags for some emotional abuse, which can be very subtle yet very damaging. Stand strong and get help that you might need. Right now, I am taking a moment and praying for your heart to have peace and courage.
@NacienteLuz7 I really appreciate all your kind words. I do feel very betrayed and confused. We have talked about what happened a couple times. And I definitely question myself: "was I giving him cues?" "Did I say or do something that would make him think I wanted to have sex? But I told him no." He has never done anything physical like this before. There has been times where I haven't been in the mood and he says things like, "you owe me," or "I own you, it's in the paperwork for the house." He always says hes joking But I dont think he is the tone of his voice makes me think its him taking a jab at me, then he realizes he actually said it and decides to play it off as a joke.
@loyalSea123 Oh loyalsea, a husband never owns his wife and sex is never "payment" for something is is "owed." Often emotionally abusive spouses will say things that are controlling or demeaning, then put it off a a joke; but the message and the sting is still there. It sounds like there may be some power and control going on in subtle ways, which then escalated to overt marital rape. It is so much easier to recognize abuse when we are being hit, but there are other ways that we can be abused that can, in the long run, cause just as much harm, in our sense of who we are as a person. Have you considered seeing a counselor, who is experienced in abuse, perhaps first individually, then together. Dear loyalsea, know that your perceptions are accurate, stand strong in your sense of who you are, and keep seeking help. We are here for you. I will continue to pray for peace, clarity and strength in your life.