I dont feel valid. (TRIGGER WARNING)
(huge trigger warning)
Okay when I was 11/12 I was sexually abused. I dont actually feel like it counts though. I was repeatedly manipulated into stripping on camera, and doing sexual things on camera. If I didn't respond or if I didn't do what this guy wanted he would threaten me, call me a wh*e or d*ke, and would just insult me constantly. I was terrified and i couldn't block him as at this time mobile skype did not have a block function. I can't even remember his name at all, but I can remember he told me his age. He was 37.
I know this affected me badly. I only view myself as a sex object, I'm constantly terrified, and I just feel disgusting. I feel like it was my fault, and that it wasn't bad enough for me to actually be traumatized despite having an actual PTSD diagnosis. I feel this way as it was all online. All of it. I was just a stupid kid and that its my fault that it happened. I should have just said no and stopped responding to him, but I didn't. I just feel like I couldv'e prevented it or stopped it and that I don't have the right to be so badly affected. I just feel terrible and that this was all my fault despite the fact that i was f***g 11/12 and he was 37.
edited by dancingRainbow45 to comply with community guidelines.
@psychoticaradia Hi Psychotic. Im sorry that you went through the experience you did when you were a child and no child should have been manipulated into such a situation by an adult of 37. As your post said, you were manipulated and threatened, you did not have free choice and therefore it was not your fault and you were a vulnerable child, where an adult should have protected you and not allowed you to endure what you did. What this man did was wrong, and its left you feeling bad about yourself, even questioning if what you went through could be called traumatic or abuse. It was abuse. It was not your fault at all and its left you with various issues your now having to face and deal with. Im sorry you feel almost complicit in what happened but you were placed in a situation of fear and where your innocence as a child was exploited. Have you ever been able to tell anyone about what happened to you and what support system do you have in place for yourself now?
@dancingRainbow45 I have told my therapist about this, and I spoke about it to a psychologist in a psych hospital.
@psychoticaradia Keep telling yourself it counts and it's valid til you believe it. I wrote in my journal "My feelings are valid" over and over again until I found the strength to put my boundaries back up and treat myself as more than a sexual object. It can be so triggering to not know if what happened was "valid", or even to think it was your fault at all; in order to heal, you have to start by validating everything.
I'll start. You were a child, it wasn't your fault AT ALL, and I'm sorry he did that to you. Your trauma is valid. You deserve healing.
@psychoticaradia Hi I'm Raven, it's nice to meet you. 
You are far from alone in being manipulated into sexual things. I myself was too, but as an adult. I should have known better right? No, it's not about what I know or if I could have controled it. I was manipulated by ones skillfully using my own brain and weaknesses against me. Fear Guilt Shame, and our own Lust are very powerful things, more so when used against us. I am a member of the Trauma Support Team, please read my bio and you can see I been ther too and I am no one to judge anyone. I am one of the few whom take chats on Sexual Abuse, and one of even fewer whom know what it's like to be so manipulated. If you wish to chat with me I welcome and await you. In a 1-1 we can discuss things in a better detail so as to not trigger others too bad. Subject alone can do that. I want you to know that I do understand, and I am totally hear for you. Please post me anytime you need or wish, and I wll get back to you as quickly as I can. With me in a 1-1 chat you are free to discuss this in any manner, using any verbage you need to to get it out. I feel for you my friend, and I am here. "The door to my heart is always open." (Buddhist Monk Ajahn Brahm)
@Raveninthelabrynth Raven!!! Keep up the good work!!!
@Raveninthelabrynth your account says 18+ only...
@psychoticaradia Ya sorry about that. We can certainly talk about things here but must be mindful to not state details.
Sorry for my late reply, it's been a busy week.
Be well hon, and trust that if you work through things you will find peace.
@Raveninthelabrynth
It's fine.
Sorry this was late I'm not getting notifications of responses...
@psychoticaradia Ya I'm way sorry too. Been way busy. School comming up tomorrow. You ok?
@Raveninthelabrynth
Sorry i took so long to answer, i ended up in the hospital near the end of January and then just. forgot to log on our talk to anyone and my email started reclassifying all 7cups emails as spam so i never got notifs. im not really doing that great
@psychoticaradia Hej hon, sorry to hear of your hospitalization, and sorry yer not doing so hot. Anithing I an do for you?
@psychoticaradia
You're not alone, a lot of survivors feel this way for quite some time after incidents occur. Even people who have made immense progress can feel this way from time to time. From other messages on this thread you said you were saw a therapist--that's a huge step in and of itself, one not everyone takes but is very important to begin recovery. If you ever want to talk, you can send a message my way. I may not respond immediately, but I'll give you the time I can.
@psychoticaradia I can relate to what you said so much, and saw you said you told your therapist about it - that's so brave, I'm so glad you did. I have tried telling it to therapists, and usually panic and can't. After I was sexually assaulted at school at 13, I felt disgusted and for reason found myself in a situation with older men online.. I am still ashamed to this day, and I remembering feeling like I had been "virtually raped" as I called it, but thought was stupid, to be scared over something online, feeling I was the only person in this situation. But seems I'm not. And neither are you.
It's hard for us to end it, because of the fear. It's hard. And you have a right to feel valid. I am telling you this, and reading it to me: because it's hard for me to see it as valid. It's even hard for me to admit it.. But we deserve to feel valid. You're not alone.
