I dont know if I evem count

I was 5. So, so stupid. Ive never talked about it, told anybody, or seen anybody about it, because it would get her sent to jail. We had a talk about it, and she went on and ON about how she was "so sorry" and that she "was a naive teenager" and that she wasn't thinking right. Then made me promise to never tell anybody, ever. She doesnt know how much it fricked me up. How constant the flashbacks are, how much pain I am in constantly, how bad I want to scrape everything off my tongue until it bl**ds. She said that it would mess up her entire future if I told anybody. The talk wasnt even about me. Not about how she already messed up my future, or fricked me up mentally. And dont even get me started on the "what ifs". If it never happened, I wouldn't have to resort to maladaptive daydreaming to fall asleep in a safe environment. If it never happened, I wouldnt have to age regress to cope with the mental trauma of being only 5 years old when it happened. If it never happened, my mom would still have her happy little girl. All over a fucking smoothie. (Which I never have anymore)

Sorry for long vent, needed to let out some 7-year old pent up emotions.