I don't know if it was abuse
I'll start of by saying I'm a bi female.
I've been friends with this girl for 11+ years. And I loved her, we grew up together and for years we fooled around (mind you all of it was one sided.. And what I mean is she'd want me to do stuff to her but would never reciprocate) eventually we moved in together and every single night shed sleep in my bed we'd fool around and I'd pleasure her and if I didn't she's throw a fit and we'd fight.. During the day id drop hits that I wanted to be with her but didn't have the confidence to tell her first off I'm bi and second I loved her and wanted to be in a relationship and her response to all my hints was "I'm not into girls" but still every night shed want me to please her... She would date guys and still keep me around at night and whenever I tried to make other friends or even mentioned going on a date with someone shed talk me out of it and how they were bad for me, to watch out cause they sounded sketchy and this that and the other..
I'm out of this situation now thanks to me being brave enough to go out on a limb and do something without telling her I met a wonderful guy who treats me like a princess and helped me deal with her
but with distance I now wonder was that sexual abuse. I'd do it even if I didn't want to because I didn't want there to be a fight and I wanted her to be happy but it was destroying me in the process
i don't know how good I am at explaining my situation but I needed to get it out...
While my situations were different than yours, at the same time they seem so familiar. I can say that I stayed in an abusive relationship for many years knowing it was an abusive relationship.
While it still doesn't make complete sense to me why I stayed in that position, I am aware of some of the reasons.
Looking for acceptance, not wanting to be alone, want to be loved (how ever way that was shown), not wanting conflict, not wanting to fail, not wanting to be abandoned.
Slowly having the life sucked out of me and the high when it was all finally over. I had learned much, I am not that person any more.
I am happy you have moved on and found happiness.
@energeticCircle9867
Thank you for your reply and for sharing some of your experience with me I really appreciate it
honestly I thought "yup that's a reason why" to almost all of the reasons you listed
I just never thought it was that bad till I got out of that situation and got some distance
every single person that I know does not like her and back then I was (more in love with her) (I still care for her and talk to her but Ive distanced myself from her) I can see all the negative they pointed out but never saw when I was so "addicted" for lack of a better term
I wanted/want her to be loved because she has had such a rough life and has had her own abuse and trauma I wanted to be there for her but I never saw what she was doing to me
I can't help but still question it and I can't help thinking all of this ... (was she actually abusing me? I never told her I didn't want to... Not that I ever told her I did want to.... I never did anything to try and stop it... People have been abused far worse can I even call this abuse... She would never have done it if she knew how I really felt so it's my fault for not saying anything... I know she was trying to use me to help her recover from her own sexual abuse trauma) and the list goes on and on
@KT627
I just heard you say (in my own words) "I was only abused a little, compared to others, so maybe it's not abuse?" Think on that awhile.
It's part of the process of healing, just like grieving. Stages we go through - and it's not a one time go through the process and you are done, it is a cycle, going back to parts to do it again yet for a lessor amount of time, hopefully.
There are some amazing memories I have and honestly I have occasional fantasies but I try to put it into perspective that it was a poisonous relationship.
Abuse can come as subtle manipulation all the way through hospitalization and permanent damage both physical and psychological. I wouldn't put a quantifier on it. Abuse is wrong regardless of the degree.
There can be what I call payoffs as to why we participate in what is otherwise unhealthy relationships. I outlined several in the previous message. If I feel loved in some way, no matter how unhealthy or sick the form is, that's a payoff. If I am empathic I can gain some pleasure while giving pleasure; I believe a necessary trait to be good at pleasuring. The need to please. The need to feel needed. The need to feel adequate. The need to be the source of pleasure for someone.
When the payoffs are no longer greater than the abuse we feel, we want out. Going from wanting out to being out is another process and can be difficult for various reasons.
It's complicated. I have far more questions than answers.
I am fortunate to have somebody in my life who can be totally honest with me and expects no less from me. This is how I have moved past the abuse and how I have grown. I still have a long road to go. For me it began at a very young age and it's like a seed planted that grows. I was surprised to find what effects parts of my childhood had effect in my adult life.
I am sleep deprived, I hope I made some sense. These are things I've not thought about in some time and never put into print.
I hear your questioning and your honesty. These are important in personal growth.
@energeticCircle9867
Thank you I hadn't thought of it that way
thank you so much for taking the time to share and help explain to me it means more to me then I can express