I don’t know what to do
I litteraly have no one around me that I can talk about it. I don’t have a psy, nor a therapist because I have BPD and they of course don’t want to deal with someone with BPD.
I have my friends but I know it’s too hard to actually take it in and they’re not osychologists neither. My boyfriend is the same situation as my friends.
Only my boyfriend knows and the day he knew he broke up in tears and I don’t want to do this to him.
I still have his hands on me, I still feel it inside me. It happened when I was 6, I was at my neighbor’s house because their daughter was supposed to babysit me but she just left to a party instead and told me to go see her brother downstairs.
At first, I was so confused in what happened to me. He made me come back every day to do the same things for 2 weeks until my family moved to another city.
He was 17, 11 years older than I was.
Now, my trauma keeps going back to me which I’m not sure why. (I guess it’s because I’m in my first relationship and having hands on me remind me of him maybe ?)
I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to ruin my relationship. I want to be okay with my boyfriend touching me or not having flashbacks in the middle of doing it. I’m so tired and I want it to stop. My boyfriend of course is not mad at me for what happens to me.
I don’t have anyone and I don’t know what to do to live normally with it.
@JennaSnowy235
Your so brave and stronger than you know.
Possibly you might rethink professional help. I think your trauma is being triggered by the relationship. Your partner seems so understanding thankfully. It's difficult to cope without help. I have been in therapy four years and it's helped tremendously. Therapists are available her on 7cups too.
I didn't want therapy but I stuck with it. It helps .
You deserve peace and happiness.
ABB 💜
@JennaSnowy235
This sounds really challenging. I've had the experience of having a hard time finding a therapist who would work with me, especially in a way that was helpful for a long time. I was diagnosed with BPD for about 10 years. In 2020 I was diagnosed with DID and started seeing a new therapist. When I was seeing her she said I definitely didn't seem to fit the criteria for BPD and she questioned whether I had been misdiagnosed the entire time or if I had been able to do enough work that I just didn't fit the diagnosis anymore.
When I had the BPD diagnosis I was treated horribly by people in and out of the mental health field and I don't wish that on anyone. Would maybe just looking for a trauma informed therapist be helpful without sharing the BPD diagnosis with them (at first)?
BPD while technically is considered a personality disorder, BPD is usually strongly rooted in trauma, and the symptoms are usually trauma responses that we created to help survive traumatic experiences in our lives.
Another idea for "treatment" for BPD is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) which was specifically created to help BPD symptoms. I did DBT for years and while it didn't resolve my trauma symptoms, it helped me learn to cope and manage my emotional responses in a way that I could then work through my trauma with a therapist.
What you're describing sounds super challenging and would probably be best if worked through with a trauma therapist. I'm working on something similar with my therapist, and it can be hard to talk about, but I'm hopeful that we'll make progress in this area just like many other areas of my life.
It is so hard to go through this alone. You don't have to be strong alone. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you so much for your response ! ❤️
I was thinking about starting DBT as well but I can’t find anything in Canada (for some reason ?) and most of online therapies cost a lot and my insurances won’t cover it.
I wonder if it would work as well if I researched more and with sheets I find online (Pinterest,etc) I could maybe do it myself ? But would it really be considered DBT?…
Thank you so much though, it feels great to be heard.
@JennaSnowy235
You're so welcome! That's interesting. I wouldn't expect it to be hard to find in Canada, but I'm from the US and there are programs pretty much everywhere here now (just insurance and availability getting in can be issues).
DBT is best worked through with a therapist but I do think that reading the workbook and learning on your own, if it's not available could be an alternative. I did DBT consistently for about 4 years and have done several other intermittent DBT programs. If you have questions, you can feel free to message me and I can do my best to help you understand what the different skills mean and help brainstorm ways to make them work, or even just share how I've used them and they have made a difference for me.
