I don't know what to do anymore. Trigger Warning

Let me start by just paraphrasing what I said in the "Traumatic Events" forum, I should have just posted here in the start. I guess I'm just sick as a person.

"When I was around 11 or maybe 12, I was spending some time with a relative and that relative at the time was also looking after a cousin of mine who was maybe seven or eight. My cousin has always been somewhat scary, I remember the first time I met him, he promised he would get his dad to shoot me with a shotgun if I upset him.

We were playing some kind of game and at one point, he decided to add a little stipulation to it, if I lost, I had to, in his words, "kiss his willy." I lost, and I did what he said. Curiousity grew and eventually we sexually experimented. No penetration, just rubbing up against one another and we both called it off very soon. I felt wrong and I was scared. I managed to avoid my cousin for several years until I ran into his mother at a Christmas party last year.

Meeting her caused all these memories to come flooding back, and now, as a 17 year old looking back at what happened, I feel sick, I feel like a monster. Like a criminal. I feel like every person you see on those stupid "To Catch a Predator" specials.

I tried to look for advice using a local web servicefor people in my country, the operator I was talking with thought I was in danger and sent the emergency services over to my house. The emergency services were police, I later tried using the service a second time and the same thing happened.

Because of this, I am too scared of reaching out for help again, at least in a more open setting than this. My current partner knows about what happened, as do a few of my close friends. But other than that, I have stayed silent about all this.

I don't know what to do, or even what I am anymore. I can't look myself in the mirror without being sick to my stomach, I feel as if I have already set myself up for a lifetime of being a criminal sex offender. I feel as if I ruined my cousin's life and my own. I don't want to see him, he still scares me. I don't know what to do anymore, I am 17 and I have wasted my life.

I am scared. I am sick. And I don't know what to do. Should I move on? Shrug it off? Should I hand myself into the police? Should I go all the way and just, "vanish" off the face of the Earth? "

I don't know if I'm a survivor or some type of monster, and the more and more I feel like this, the more and more I just want to bleed out the sin or something. I'm so scared of what I am. I don't even know anymore.

I'm sorry for this. I really am.