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toughPlace80
2,447 M Hopeful Heart 4
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts30 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes9 Current upvotes9 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2016 Member sinceNovember 4, 2014
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Should I hate myself?
Trauma Support / by toughPlace80
Last post
 March 15th, 2016
...See more i swear this is becoming like a regular thing. every couple of months i start to feel better and then i'll go right back to feeling like a bad person and feeling like i should hurt myself or i don't know lock myself away in my room. honestly, it's sad, i'm so scared of opening up to someone in person i'd rather tire out the resources of you poor people on here because i'm a damn coward. it's pathetic. maybe i'm just pathetic. i guess i should inform you as to why i feel like this "around six years ago, my cousin and i were playing a game, he added a rule, if i lost the game, i would have to kiss his, "willy" as he said. now, my cousin has always been a really aggressive and violent person, the first time i met him he told he would get his dad to kill me if i upset him, and out of fear, i went along with it and i, kissed his "willy". after that, we both moved on to, experimenting. it never went past grinding up against one another, and neither of us were aroused by it. but, the experimentation happened at least twice, however, instead of out of fear, the experimentation just happened, we both agreed to it, and it happened. we haven't seen each other since, and from what i've heard my cousin is still as aggressive as ever. but here's where i'm not sure anymore. i was 11 when this happened, and he was 8. i don't know anymore, i don't know what to think, i don't know what to think about what happened. am i the abuser here? should i hand myself into the police? i don't know what to do anymore." and that's why i feel like a monster. maybe this is just how i'm going to feel forever, forever and ever and ever until i finally give up, run away and live as a homeless person until i die alone, and forgotten. it just hurts, to know i'm a monster and i've hurt so many people. that i've let so many people down. i want to cry and run away, i want to just run out into the night and never look back. i want to vanish. i'm so scared. i'm so frightened. am i destined to grow up to be a sick criminal? i can't do this anymore. i need to go to bed, i'm sorry.
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Am I a monster? - Trigger warning!!
Trauma Support / by toughPlace80
Last post
 November 12th, 2015
...See more in order for you to understand how i'm feeling i'm going to repost a summary of what i went through that i have posted on other support forums and here as well. "around six years ago, my cousin and i were playing a game, he added a rule, if i lost the game, i would have to kiss his, "willy" as he said. now, my cousin has always been a really aggressive and violent person, the first time i met him he told he would get his dad to kill me if i upset him, and out of fear, i went along with it and i, kissed his "willy". after that, we both moved on to, experimenting. it never went past grinding up against one another, and neither of us were aroused by it. but, the experimentation happened at least twice, however, instead of out of fear, the experimentation just happened, we both agreed to it, and it happened. we haven't seen each other since, and from what i've heard my cousin is still as aggressive as ever. but here's where i'm not sure anymore. i was 11 when this happened, and he was 8. i don't know anymore, i don't know what to think, i don't know what to think about what happened. am i the abuser here? should i hand myself into the police? i don't know what to do anymore." like, even after all the support i get i always end up feeling the same way after just a few months. is death the only way for me to redeem myself? am i a monster, a criminal like rolf harris or jimmy savile? if i am, i deserve to die. i've ruined my life and others with what i have done. i am pathetic, i can't face going outside or trying to enjoy anything, i don't deserve it. am i even allowed to forgive myself and move on with my life? am i allowed to have a life? i don't know what to do anymore and i'm scared. i don't want to die but if it's what i deserve then i will. i'm scared of what i am. i'm so scared.
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I don't know what to do anymore. Trigger Warning
Trauma Support / by toughPlace80
Last post
 May 10th, 2015
...See more Let me start by just paraphrasing what I said in the "Traumatic Events" forum, I should have just posted here in the start. I guess I'm just sick as a person.  "When I was around 11 or maybe 12, I was spending some time with a relative and that relative at the time was also looking after a cousin of mine who was maybe seven or eight. My cousin has always been somewhat scary, I remember the first time I met him, he promised he would get his dad to shoot me with a shotgun if I upset him.    We were playing some kind of game and at one point, he decided to add a little stipulation to it, if I lost, I had to, in his words, "kiss his willy." I lost, and I did what he said. Curiousity grew and eventually we sexually experimented. No penetration, just rubbing up against one another and we both called it off very soon. I felt wrong and I was scared. I managed to avoid my cousin for several years until I ran into his mother at a Christmas party last year. Meeting her caused all these memories to come flooding back, and now, as a 17 year old looking back at what happened, I feel sick, I feel like a monster. Like a criminal. I feel like every person you see on those stupid "To Catch a Predator" specials.  I tried to look for advice using a local web service for people in my country, the operator I was talking with thought I was in danger and sent the emergency services over to my house. The emergency services were police, I later tried using the service a second time and the same thing happened.  Because of this, I am too scared of reaching out for help again, at least in a more open setting than this. My current partner knows about what happened, as do a few of my close friends. But other than that, I have stayed silent about all this. I don't know what to do, or even what I am anymore. I can't look myself in the mirror without being sick to my stomach, I feel as if I have already set myself up for a lifetime of being a criminal sex offender. I feel as if I ruined my cousin's life and my own. I don't want to see him, he still scares me. I don't know what to do anymore, I am 17 and I have wasted my life.  I am scared. I am sick. And I don't know what to do. Should I move on? Shrug it off? Should I hand myself into the police? Should I go all the way and just, "vanish" off the face of the Earth? " I don't know if I'm a survivor or some type of monster, and the more and more I feel like this, the more and more I just want to bleed out the sin or something. I'm so scared of what I am. I don't even know anymore.  I'm sorry for this. I really am. 
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An experience in my childhood.
Trauma Support / by toughPlace80
Last post
 December 24th, 2014
...See more First of all, I must apologise for all this. I am not even sure if I classify as a survivor, but, I feel that this is the right forum to post to in regards to how I am feeling.  When I was around 11 or maybe 12, I was spending some time with a relative and that relative at the time was also looking after a cousin of mine who was maybe seven or eight. My cousin has always been somewhat scary, I remember the first time I met him, he promised he would get his dad to shoot me with a shotgun if I upset him.    We were playing some kind of game and at one point, he decided to add a little stipulation to it, if I lost, I had to, in his words, "kiss his willy." I lost, and I did what he said. Curiousity grew and eventually we sexually experimented. No penetration, just rubbing up against one another and we both called it off very soon. I felt wrong and I was scared. I managed to avoid my cousin for several years until I ran into his mother at a Christmas party last year. Meeting her caused all these memories to come flooding back, and now, as a 17 year old looking back at what happened, I feel sick, I feel like a monster. Like a criminal. I feel like every person you see on those stupid "To Catch a Predator" specials.  I tried to look for advice using a local web service for people in my country, the operator I was talking with thought I was in danger and sent the emergency services over to my house. The emergency services were police, I later tried using the service a second time and the same thing happened.  Because of this, I am too scared of reaching out for help again, at least in a more open setting than this. My current partner knows about what happened, as do a few of my close friends. But other than that, I have stayed silent about all this. I don't know what to do, or even what I am anymore. I can't look myself in the mirror without being sick to my stomach, I feel as if I have already set myself up for a lifetime of being a criminal sex offender. I feel as if I ruined my cousin's life and my own. I don't want to see him, he still scares me. I don't know what to do anymore, I am 17 and I have wasted my life.  I am scared. I am sick. And I don't know what to do. Should I move on? Shrug it off? Should I hand myself into the police? Should I go all the way and just, "vanish" off the face of the Earth?  Any advice will help, I am so sorry for all this. I am so sorry.
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