I dug my own hole to lie in. (a sexual abuse story)

When I was in High school I spent time with a girl that I enjoyed the company of. I had met her the year before in a middle schoolgym class after noticing she had similar interests to myself and I thought no harm could come of it. I had noticed she was a little aggressive but I thought that was a good match for someone like me who was rather meek and shy. I needed someone more fiery around me to maybe teach me to speak up, if not directly, through observational learning.

So, during the first year of HS she followed me places, and I didn't think that was strange at all. We were friends and I liked the attention. I never had absolute attention from one person, in fact I barely had friends. But soon, she started acting strange and telling me she liked someone from our group of friends. Now, I wasn't stupid. I knew it was me, but I pretended I didn't know. I was fascinated by the fact that it was me. All my life, I had been called ugly and been made fun of by the opposite gender since I was first enrolled into elementary school, so I was conditioned into believing it. And now with this sudden attention I became greedy, even if I had no feelings for her whatsoever.

I urged her to direct her attention to me, but I had no idea what a terrible idea that was. While it was all fun and games to me, she grew more and more obsessedwith me. She began following me from class to class and it became more and more unsettling when she would get angry at my reluctance to accept her advances. This stalking continued all through my highschool years. She would wait for me after class show up when i was walking home. Hold me so I wouldn't go home. And when i would try to leave anyway, she would take my glasses to make sure I really couldnt leave.

It wasn't until the last two years of highschool that she began to get more sexual and even violent. She began asking me to have sex withher, and sinceI was already scared of her by then I would tell her no. So frustrated, she got into my school locker and and stole my text books trying to make me say 'yes'. Then she began molesting me to try and arouse me. Naturally, my body reacted ad that's still conflicting in my mind to this day, but gladly I had the mobility enough to walk away despite that.

Twice she held me after school. And angrily, she hit me because I wouldntsleep with her or be with her and both those times an adult noticed and asked if I was okay. Fearing her, I said I was fine. The principal once got involved because I complained about my missing text books. But I never told him what happened. But I did go to the crisis center but I didn't trust they had my best interest considering their bored expressions and hastiness. So I didn't tell them the whole story. I once looked to my teacher for help, I was crying in class because the girl was sitting next to me and for the tenth time or so she had told me that no one was ever going to love someone as cold hearted as me. Only her. But he turned away from me and I lost trust in the teachers because he wasnt the first one to look away when I looked to them for help. Most pretended I wasn't there.

I didn't go to my own prom because I didnt want to be stuck alone on a ship with her with no way to get out. She had threatened to cut herself if I didnthave sex, and while I didn't , I felt a lot of guilt for it.

I told my parents about it after I graduated and they were mad at me because between my sister and I, I was the strong one. And against a woman, I should have been able to take care of it. They compared my assault to that of my sister's that happened a few years earlier by a male classmate and deemed hers more valid and important to focus on. Which made me mistrust them.

I fell into a depression after graduation because I had spent all my highschool years worrying about looking over my shoulder whenever I walked out of anywhere than looking for colleges and focusing on my future. I fell out of touch with my friends and stop going outside all together. I stayed in my room and came out only when necessary. What made it worse was that I saw she was in college, in other countries living her dream and I was miserable and feeling empty and like something was robbed from me. I felt like there was a definite imbalance that after she terrorized and molested me, she ended up happy and with her life together.

But I knew I wasn't entirely innocent, I started the chain of events that occurred. Right now, I am 23 years old and still feeling lost and and paranoid. I have gotten better. Before I used to cry just starting to talk about it, but now I only shake a bit. None of my old friends know this happened but it wasntuntil late last year that they got the idea that the girl was bad from their own issues they have had with her so they are not friends with her anymore. I don't know if I should tell Them my story, or keep it to myself.