I feel like I started it.

I know, logically, that it really isnt. Hes the one that assaulted me, and fingered me while I was sleeping. Its his fault, but I have this guilt that maybe I started it.

The first thing I can remember is that I found a porn dvd on the top of my moms old apartment while looking for snacks. I was like four or something. I climbed on the counter, and as usual I would blindly reach the top of the fridge. I happened to reach that dvd. My half brother found me with it. Hes older, 7 years. I showed him it.

And ever since after, I cant remember certain things. I think I blocked them (something I learned in my AP psych class). I remember little bits. Like some of the bad ones.

we moved to a new apartment. He took me under the dining table, he showed me his dick. I was curious because Id never seen one. He told me to show him mine. I did. Hes my older than me, I had l listen to him.

we were visiting family. Some relative told me that hes my brother. I wasnt familiar with that term. I thought half brother meant he wasnt really my actual brother. He wasnt my dads son, so were werent related. I guess I got it confused with stepbrother. But this woman told me that we had the same mom. I didnt like hearing that. I got angry. I told the woman that he couldnt be my brother. And she said why not?

I kept my mouth shut after that. I didnt want her to know what wed done