I feel so dirty and disgusting(possible tw)
Hi I just really need to get this out. I was sexually abused and assaulted when I was a kid and I feel so disgusting and dirty. No matter how much I scrub my body and wash my hair I never feel clean. I wash and scrub myself over and over again, sometimes for over an hour and till my skins raw, but I still can't feel clean. I've never known what it's like to be clean, and I'd give anything to know what it's like to be clean, but I don't know if I ever will know what that's like. I feel so ashamed. I just wanna hide. I can't understand why it happened, I don't understand what I did to deserve what happened, I don't know where I went wrong. I think what happened has been really eating at me a lot more than I realize lately. No matter whats going on what happened is always playing in the back of my mind over and over again, and I can't stop it from replaying. I can barely get outta bed, I wanna be alone all the time, I have no motivation, I'm really spacey, and I just wanna cry, but I physically can't cry. I just feel at a lose right now. I'll pull myself back up, I know I will, I've always pulled myself back up, but it's just really hard to right now.
You didn’t do anything to deserve it and sure you’ll never feel clean but you are none of it was your fault and you have to understand that don’t feel ashamed for something some other sicko did to you Ik it might seem impossible to get over this but one day you will and that’s gonna be tough but Ik that you can do it just don’t ever give up.
@bubblewumble none of this was your fault, and it's incredibly unfair that you have to pay the consequences for someone else's cruelty. You deserve your peace, you deserve happiness, even when you feel like you don't. What they've done to you say nothing about you and everything about them, and it doesn't have to define who you are as a person.
I know it's hard, but looking for support can really make a difference for some people, and hard as it may be I hope you'll give yourself the chance to be supported. Even just talking about it can be a first step to start coping with it. I don't know where you live, but in Italy there are centers that support violence survivors through free psychological counseling - maybe there's something like this where you live? Or some other souces of support you can access? You might not think it's worth it, but think of this: if you try and it doesn't work, there's nothing to lose, you can just walk away. But if it helps you, it might change your life.
I wish you all the best, because you deserve it
