I just can’t say it.
I can type it, I can write it but I just can’t say it. I can’t physically bring myself to tell anyone that may care about me (not that that’s many people) It may be because the first time I did, no one listened, no one helped... I’m still unsure to this day if they even believed me. I was sexually abused throughout my childhood by a family member and it’s haunting me. Only sometimes...sometimes I’m okay but other times I just can’t cope. It’s hurting more and more everyday and I just don’t know what to do about it. I was a child. I’m an adult now, I’m confused as to why it’s bothering me so much when it was so long ago. I know I need more than just help, but I don’t even know where to start. I also can’t even bring myself to just say it! It sounds dumb, but I go mute when I try. I panic, I shut down, I just can’t ... I don’t even remember it all. I remember a few bits and pieces but not enough. I don’t want to remember, but maybe I need to? TMI: As an adult, I often find myself not remembering sex. It’ll be consensual and I can enjoy myself. However if I try to recall it, I simply can’t. I often don’t remember the entirety, sometimes I can barely remember how it started. I’m assuming a part of my brain blocks anything of the sort out. I can’t even sleep anymore. I know they can’t get me, I know it wasn’t my fault. But it happened, and for that reason I’m suffering.
@SHAEXX
I think you're already taking your first step by writing it down and continuing to manifest it in writing. As someone in a similar boat, I'm proud of you for sharing on this forum. If I could recommend any course of action, perhaps working on obtaining trauma therapy, as that's what I'm working towards and it is helping me.
Thank you! I’ll definitely take a look at that. I’ve never heard of it.
@SHAEXX. ..Your doing great reaching out here on 7 cups. I'm so sorry for what you have endured. I've been in trauma therapy for 3 years now. I'm taking meds for my depression/anxiety and CPTSD. It's definitely helped. I too can't say it out loud but I'm making some progress. I realized during therapy that I have to face it, accept it and try to get past it. I hope you find a good professional to help you process all you've been thru. I will say it's no picnic but it's necessary to find my peace with it . Best to you 💜 ABB
Hi. I have a similar situation. I see the person everyday and each time I'm reminded. I ask myself if they even remember what they did if they have any idea that it's causing me so much pain. It happened around 7 years ago but it had been kind of building up before then, but I had no idea because I was a child. The most I knew was that sex was for making babies. That is all. I didn't know that someone shouldn't be touching me when I'm 10 especially a family member. Anyways lately I wanted to grow. I had started to blame myself for what happened telling myself stuff like: "you could've tried harder to stop it" and "you weren't that naïve you could tell it was wrong" and "it's as much their fault as it is yours". So I decided to forgive the person so that our family relationship could grow. Obviously, as they say: forgive but never forget. Anyways recently I tried getting closer with this family member, sharing similar interests with them. However just yesterday, they betrayed my trust completely. Completely shattered it. I won't go into detail about what happened, it was nothing bad, but it was still something that shouldn't even cross a person's mind in a family setting. I had my suspicions. But again I was naïve thinking that they grew now and they wouldn't do it again. All I learnt was that sometimes you give someone a chance to grow, to earn your trust, and they completely ignore and misread a situation. What I witnessed yesterday caused me to spiral downwards. It took me years to build that trust after what they had done to me and the PTSD that came after. And it was shattered in seconds. Now here I am on an online therapy domain because I have no one else I can talk to. Still, it's nice to know I'm not alone.