I just feel so lost
I am currently dealing with a lot of ptsd issues that stem from the multiple sexual assaults that happened to me. I'm just so frustrated because I'm the complete opposite of the way I've always been. I always used to be so outgoing and energetic and these days if I get less than 16 hours of sleep I'm exhausted. Nobody seems to understand what I'm going through. Loud noises scare me, I can't stand crouds and I'm terrified of men. It's just not me and I want to get back to the old me you know? I've been doing dbt and now am doing a more intensive program but I'm scared that this is the new me and I'll never go back to the way I was. It just doesn't seem fair that I have to endure all this pain and suffering while the perpetrators walk free (thanks to the police who specifically told me when I tried to press charges that "nobody in their right mind would believe me") It's just so hard to know that people who are supposed to have my back (the police) don't care if I was raped or not and that I spent 9 hours in a hospital for a rape kit. I just want to be believed and not have my motives questioned. Not constantly be asked if I initiated it or being asked why I didn't scream. I'm just so tired of people judging how I reacted and "deciding" if I was raped or not based on how hard I fought. It just didn't work that way for me and now I feel guilty that I didn't but that shouldn't be on me to do right? Why shouldn't they have to prove they DIDN'T do it?
@Bernadette1 My heart goes out to you. Healing can be such a lengthy process, and it's even worse when it seems not many people are validating your feelings in response to what happened, or even acknowledging that anything did happen. That's got to feel so isolating; I would not be able to handle that very well, if it were me. I know well that feeling of being scared that you may never go back to your old self. I'm going through that as well, though my situation is very different. Maybe you don't entirely go back to the old you, but you can heal and come out of this a better and wiser version of yourself, and not be as fearful. Think of this as your transformation period as you're developing your super powers... I know that sounds incredibly cheesy, but it's so true. It must feel terribly lonely and scary right now, and that makes it hard to see the potential of your life to be joyful in the future. But the potential IS there. If you need a listener, let me know. I know there is only so much I can say to make any of it feel slightly better, but I listen without judgment and know the importance of having a good outlet. Lots of love to you.
@CompassionateGirl90 thank you so much. It just feels good to be heard. Thank you for understanding and listening