I’m scared to share but I feel like I need to....
Hi.. I am a 22 year old woman and Im so confused lately. Me and my therapist have been talking about my past relationship which was emotionally draining.. In this relationship there were moments, times when I sadi the guy "NO" like 10 times to something he wanted to in bed... He told me "You never know you do not like it if u do not try" and proceeded to do his thing... I remember just laying there. Frozen. It was like I was not even there.. This happened a couple of times. One time in the morning when I wasn still a bit sleepy he asked me " Can I f...ck you from behind?" I said "No". He just did it anyway and everytime I responded in crying months later he told me I am overreacting and that he does not care about my no because he wants to do it and that it is normal..
I really thought until now it had not did me damage but lately I find myself disconnected from my emotions.. Im emotionally blunt and then once in a couple of days I have 5 mins when I start crying out of nowhere and I feel like I cannot breathe an d that the pain is gonna tear me apart... then my face goes numb and I cant feel anything...
I dont know if this can count as sexual abuse.. i still had sexual reliatonship with this person a few weeks ago even though the first incident happened a year ago.. Maybe Im really overreacting.. I dont know.. Please someone just read it and comment your thoughts. I feel horrible.
Thank you all...
V.
I am not an expert in this field but this I feel really is abuse.
Following, and I hope this is allowed, because I usually don't do links on 7cups, but is the link to the YouTube on Tea and Consent. I feel it really explains what SHOULD happen when someone wants to initiiate sex. I don't usually listen about this topic, but if you want a listener, please feel free to contact me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
No is actually no, whether you are in a relationship or not. I'm sorry you are going through all this.
@AvidGamer293 Thank you for the support and video link. I have been really struggling the past few days.. because I still love this person so i apologize them for everything but deep down I feel like this was wrong like it hurt me so much on some lvl I just find it hard to connect with the emotions linked with it..
@lonerwolf98
Possibly you're having these crying spells and difficulty breathing etc. because his actions were an invasion of your very self. This was more than just "bad sex" that you should move on from. This man's invasive actions left a "dent" in you, in a manner of speaking. That space is aching and demands attention and healing, just as if you had accidentally sliced your finger with a knife or stepped barefoot on a thumbtack. But this is more than a mere cut or puncture--it's abusive, it's a theft of your personal space and your autonomy. You said "no" but he did it anyway and that, right there, is rape in many people's view. It's actually very common for females/women, in straight/heterosexual relationships, to have sex against their will or inclination. They may not classify it, in their own minds, as rape, but it's darn close. And the same thing can happen in same-sex couples.
You say ignoring the effects it's having on you is no longer working. I'm glad you have a therapist. I'm sure you still love the man but his actions are/were wrong. Again, it boils down to the other person forcing themselves on you in some way. It doesn't need to necessarily involve a form of penetration (fingers, genitals, etc). Dominance or coercion (forcing involuntary behavior on another person) and taking by force what is wanted *IS* a betrayal of trust when it happens in an intimate relationship. You may love this person on some levels but the trust is probably gone.
@InquireWithin Thank you so much for this comment.
When I feel more settled, I try to think about what is happening here. About the trust - I never trusted him after he pushed me and forced me to do things I didn't want. And then after the incident I lost all trust and I never trusted him again... last couple of months I was at the state when I didn't even care.. I don't know why. It probably has something to do with me cutting of all the emotions that has anything to do with this person. Like I genuinely don't even care if he'd beat me. If he's close to me, I don't care....And that's probably not okay... sounds like toxic shit to me that I probably need to get rid of and start my healing.. but it's so freaking hard
@lonerwolf98
" It probably has something to do with me cutting of all the emotions that has anything to do with this person. Like I genuinely don't even care if he'd beat me. If he's close to me, I don't care....And that's probably not okay... sounds like toxic shit to me that I probably need to get rid of and start my healing.. but it's so freaking hard."
You're right, it is hard, and I think that it's a good sign that you recognize you no longer trust him. I have cut people out of my life for lesser transgressions than the one you describe!
When you say "cutting off all the emotions that has anythng to do with this person" it reminds me of something that happened over 25 years ago. I was involved in a sexual situation that was initially consensual but halfway through, he did something I wasn't comfortable with, but by then it was a little too late. It bothered me for a long time afterward, as it felt like a line had been crossed and consent had not been obtained first. It was hard to escape the nagging feeling of having been violated, in a small but important way. I kept trying to ignore it but it never left me alone and there was a time I ran into him in a public place and that brought it all back. A wise woman I confided this to shared a life lesson I never forgot. She explained that rather than ignoring or running from this unpleasant feeling, it would be better to turn and face it, acknowledge it, and make friends with it. I was incredulous at the time, saying "uh ...friends?" It sounded crazy, but then she made the next point: when we run from our feelings, they pursue us and appear terrifying and larger than they really are. They just don't let up and it makes us miserable. When you can turn and face them, they lose their terrifying aspect. When you can integrate those feelings, they can then become like guardians that will warn you if and when you encounter another situation where someone is crossing a boundary with you, or give you the strength to push back and set limits. It's not an instantaneous process, but something you work on internally, over time. It took me time to work through it, but eventually I saw the wisdom in what she was trying to convey. Now I can set firm limits with anyone in that kind of situation.
Does this make sense? If not, I will try to explain it another way, but this is how I remember her lesson --which she shared 25 or more years ago, so the wording is fuzzy by now. 
But the theme of the lesson remained with me.