I'm still not over it ***Trigger Warning***
Hi, my name is Bethaney. When I was 16 I got in to a relationship with a boy who was 2 years older. At first he was perfect but after a few months he turned verbally and physically abusive. I then discovered that he had schizophrenia and had stopped taking his tablets, so I stayed with him, because he was unwell and I loved him. After about six months of non stop abuse, that became progressively more violent I got him to take his tablets again. The abuse subsided for a while but it soon reappeared even on his medication, I was weak from trying to save him, but I couldn't leave him, I'd become so dependent, I'd pushed away all of my friends and family, I dropped to a size six, my body was beaten tired and bruised. He'd fractured my hip, thrown a knife at my head, and worse, and the emotional abuse was horrific. I finally left him after two years, because he went to attack my mum. My family had no idea what had been going on, I hid it well.
I'm now 21 and it's been nearly 4 years since I left him. But somehow I still can't sleep for nightmares and I still have panic attacks if I'm cornered. I still have to deal with hip pain that will never heal. I feel like after all this time, I should be better. But I still class myself as a victim and not a survivor..
@Bloo101
Heya lovely Bethaney, I'm so glad that you've chosen to reach out ❤ All that you've been through, all the horrors that you've faced - I am honestly in awe of you. Your strength of spirit and compassion shines through so much in your words, whatever you might think of yourself. There's not many people who are as loving and self aware as you are, believe you me. To have gone all of that time facing him alone... I am astounded by your strength and what it must have taken for you to leave the relationship. Did your family ever find out, can I ask, the abuse that you'd suffered in the time before he went to attack your mum?
As lovely @Chiquitita20 said, your sleeping problems, anxiety and joint pain might best be adressed by a medical professional, once you're ready. But honestly, coming here and opening up about it is an incredible, incredible step. It is not easy to talk about the past, but you did it!
If you'll allow me to contradict you, you're not a victim. You're a brilliant, beautiful and loving person, who saw that something had to change, and had the strength of mind to change it. A victim could not have done that. You have true warrior spirit in you, girl.
If you want to reach out to me, it would be an honour to hear from you.
All my love,
Leann x
@LeannH
Thank you for your kind words.
Yes, my family know. But they didn't handle it well, and still aren't. Which is strange because I've never told them everything that happened they don't even know a quarter of what I've been through and I can never tell them the full story if they can't even handle a small amount. But at the same time, they tell me that I should be over it, they ask why I still have the nightmares and why I still have this fear inside me. But I guess it's just them not knowing the full truth.
I was in counselling for the two years after leaving him, and it was tough but it helped me a lot. I can now say openly to people that I was in an abusive relationship because I've accepted that, when someone at work asked me why I have a hip that's dodgy and hurts I told them exactly why. It's not something I'm ashamed of, I'm not proud of it, but I'm not going to hide it because it's a part of me now, and that took a while for me to accept.
But I haven't had a full nights sleep in over 5 years. And I've been triggered by a really terrible year for my family. Two of my uncles died within two weeks of each other, my grandad was diagnosed with kidney cancer, my nan was hospitalised for two months with dvt, my auntie and uncle got a divorce, I split from my long term boyfriend because he couldn't handle my history, and my twins boyfriend who was my best friend left her because he came out as gay.
I'm sorry about this. 😕 But you're not alone. I randomly dream about my abuser, and it freaks me out. Sometimes he's stalking me, other times it's like I'm attracted to him. It's all part of the progress I guess. But don't forget that you're a STRONG woman and that with time you'll continue to heal. We all do! Reaching out for support is a huge step. Keep fighting. ❤️