I remembered...
I was raped by my biological father.
It was a flashback, a body memory.
I felt, relived the whole thing.
Oh my goodness @Psalm139
Is this a recent memory? Are you safe now from any further attacks?
@DeborahUK I started remembering less than 3 days ago, I was 11 when he started, moved out at 20, now 27. Yes I'm safe from him.
@Psalm139
I suspect that feels like a big memory to cope with. I'd just like to underline that there is no excuse for what your dad did to you. He committed a crime, he breached your trust, he did something that is completely outside the role of a father, he did wrong - not you.
You're in good company here, as the trauma community is a thriving group, with many very compassionate people, and many who will be able to relate to your experience, and perhaps have of some idea of what you may be experiencing. You can also contact a listener 1:1 for a private chat.
In my experience Psalm, you're doing the right thing. Starting to talk about something that has obviously felt too much for you to even recall for sixteen years, never mind talk about. I recall reading that it's the things that are hardest to talk about that most need to be talked about. I've always held on to that, and I think perhaps it may be useful for you to remember, as you seek to deal with these memories of past events. You're not alone.
it's been a couple of weeks and its been 1 week without memories, i've gotten a lot of memories now over the space of 9 years...
i have grown accustomed to calling 'him' narc, short for narcissist. it seems to fit.
I feel like there is such a shame and a stigma behind being raped, being abused.
Everyone thought that narc was a good righteous honest and amazing dad when he wasn't. he was a manipulative controlling monster who the only positive he found in having a daughter (because he never wanted a girl, how many times he told me that is ridiculous) is to rape and abuse her.
So I remembered again last night.
@Tenacity37 Hey, i'm also a survivor. I'm very happy to read that you are now safe. Have you ever told any of your family or any friends? I feel like some support from them would really benfit you right now. Flashbacks are part of PTSD and if you haven't already maybe ask your doctor for some therapy. Or google your local rape centre, these places are amazing. I used them last year and this year till a few months ago. The counselling sessions are free and they were so helpful. Hugs, it's a horrible memory to have to remember.
I didn't think this would ever be me, the term "sex trafficking" is something that i thought only happened with asians going to other countries, not me, no, i was just a girl, a daughter, i wasn't sold to someone to go to another country to pay off a debt i owed or anything like that.
no, in some ways what happened to me was worse, i was trafficked in my own neighbourhood by my own father by people that knew me, not to pay off a debt, but to earn my father of origin money, not that i owed him anything.
yeah i was raped, that was the first hurdle, acknowledging that i was raped.
yeah i was a prostitute, second hurdle
yeah i was a child prostitute, third hurdle
now i need to overcome the idea that i was a victim of sex trafficking
i feel like i cant breathe, i never thought this would apply to me, me! let alone that it's my father who is guilty...
@Tenacity37 you sound like you're going through a really tough time, you have so much to say, i can sense that through your posts. I can't remember if you said you were having therapy but it helped me so much in learning how to process the flashbacks and body memories. Child sex trafficking is awful, it's not just intent to use the child for your own purposes but to exploit them by letting others use the child too. Very sad that it still happens, and like you said we think of it as something of Asian gangs etc but it's so very real in any family, any neighbourhood, any town...
