I should be happy?

Trigger warning: mention of sexual assault
Honestly this mess is so crappy, you should probably run for the hills now and just never bother reading this.

Whenever someone tells me I should be happy, they list off the reasons I should be happy, just like a classmate did today.

My parents are both together.
We have a nice house.
I have an unbroken family.
I've been accepted to nursing school.
I have a good-paying job that gives me as many hours someone my age can legally work.
I had such a cute boyfriend, why'd I let him go?

I smile back at her, but the only thing that goes through my mind are all of the reasons I'm not happy.

My father is cheating on my mother, and I can't tell her. I'm seventeen, telling her now would tear my life apart and from what I know she's accepted it at this point. Even if she was going to do something about it, why do it when I'm still in the house? I'm getting out of here before I let that fiasco unroll.
Nice house? None of them have seen the inside of my house; my father's a hoarder. Not a food or animal hoarder, thank god, but our living room is filled to the ceiling with boxes, old dog cages, exercise equipment that no one even uses. It'd be a lot nicer if I could, oh I don't know, see the floor?
My father's side of the family hates me. They literally have referred to my brother and me as "the bastard children." When I was younger I never processed that I was judged for something I didn't control. I was judged for being born. Everything I do is downplayed because of it and dismissed with "oh that's nice" while other adolescent cousins of mine get praised for doing things that my parents expect me to do, which I don't understand.
My mother's side of the family thinks I'm dramatic. When they were children, their brother (my uncle) was killed. There were 9 of them, they all had each other to talk to about it and even their father, who had divorced my grandmother, was there for all of them, including my grandmother, his ex-wife. I'm an only child, he was my father's son. I can talk to my mother about it, but it's weird for both of us because he treated her so horribly. Obviously she's sad but she can't remember much about him that I can and vice versa. He was a good kid, but he was 10 years older than me so my mom's good memories are from when I was a baby, and my good memories are from when he was mean to my mom. My dad doesn't talk about it, he refuses to. I'm an only child; I have another half-brother floating around somewhere, but he doesn't talk to me and never knew our brother. I feel like that invalidates everything, like that makes it so I shouldn't care so much. Even my grandmother (maternal) said "He's only your half brother, why are you so sad?" I wanted to ask, "your son was only half your flesh and blood, why were you so sad?" but I didn't because I know that's disgusting. They don't realize that I don't have anyone for this. I just sit here and blame myself and know if I had just done more he wouldn't have done anything. They think I'm upset about something I shouldn't be when I only have myself for this.
Nursing school, oh nursing school; that place my professor has said can fail me because I go to the hospital--THAT nursing school? I've already maxxed out the psychiatric inpatient nights my insurance is willing to cover, now not only will I have to pay thousands of dollars when I inevitably go back (since they don't cover any of my meds and I'm using my money to, oh I don't know, support my family) but I'll also be paying thousands of dollars for classes I might be failed for because of a breakdown. No pressure, I mean, I've only been hospitalized 15 days out of last year and the only reason I didn't tell anyone what I knew would send me to the hospital again was because we can't afford it. No stress about that.
My job? Nothing's wrong with my job, except for the reason I pick up as many hours as I can despite the fact it makes my mind race; I hate being home. My dad doesn't hurt me anymore, I've avoided him and decided that if he doesn't want to be an adult and control his emotions I'll be an adult and stay silent as he calls me every name he can think of, but I get tired of constantly being cooped in my room for that purpose. I even went to work instead of a classmate's funeral because I couldn't bring myself to show up when I knew all I'd do is cry.
My boyfriend? You mean my ex-boyfriend, because no one actually believes me when I say I have a boyfriend anymore; I'm too ugly, right? My ex, sure he was hot. Sure he was nice. Sure he was amazing until he assaulted me. But you know, I should get back with him like these idiots tell me, right? It's not like he's insinuated that he'll kill me if I tell anyone what he did to me. It's not like he's assaulted two other people I know. Crazy, right? He dated a friend of mine before me (literally found out after we broke up, he mentioned her but never by name) and a friend of mine after me (did I say friend? I mean 'friend'. When the only person you confide in about being raped goes and dates your rapist, then tells you "you're wrong, he couldn't have done that, he's so sweet," is she really a friend? When it takes him doing the same to her for her to believe you? I've supported her through it, but I'm a disgusting human and can only think about how she could've left before she started dating him if she had just listened)

Please no one read this, it was written at a stupidly late time while I cry because my dog ate the strap of my last bra she hasn't destroyed. I'm so ungrateful but I won't feel better until I complain about what I don't have in a disorganized, confusing way.

I just miss my brother. I've been a mess since he left.

Ignore this.

Edited by Rain45 Moved to the Trauma community due to forum restructuring
1989