I think *TW*
I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm not sure if it was even wrong or maybe it never happened and somehow my mind is making this up. When I was 13 my step father started trying to get in the shower with me. He would tell me how beautiful I am and stare at me naked. He never actually r@ped me which is why I feel somehow this isn't something I am allowed to be upset about. Another thing is he would make me sit on his lap. And say odd things to me like "well you owe me" or talk about sex toys he has and try to show me them. He would smack my butt a lot and untie my bikini top as a "joke". He would "accidentally" shove his hand down my swimsuit while we went swimming. He used to try to lay with me and cuddle me. I told my mom about some of these things and she always excused it because he was a drinker. I eventually told a counselor in high school and she called cys. I was ripped from my home and put in a relatives home which was very small, full of children and dirty. My whole family (brother, grandma, aunt and mother) turned against me because they didn't believe it. My mom ended up telling me if I told them I lied she would let me move out (I was only 17 at the time). I felt so alone and ended up telling the cys case worker and police that it wasn't true. Also (something I have never told anyone) my step brother sexually touched me once while I was sleeping and tried to take pictures of me in the shower once. I feel like everyone would think I was lying. I haven't talked to my brother since I was 17. I am 20 now and still think about this stuff daily. I had a very unhealthy relationship with sex until now. I used to have sex with any guy that wanted to because I felt like that was my duty. I thought that maybe what my family members did was normal or that this is how family is supposed to act towards another. How could my family not care about this? It made me feel like maybe I was lying or that my mind made this up even though I vividly remember these things. I feel that sense I wasn't actually raped maybe this doesn't matter. People go through much worse then this. Maybe I'm being dramatic. I don't know how to feel anymore
@friendlyRaspberries8923
First off, sharing such painful experiences here must not have been easy for you. *offers hugs and strength*
I'm sorry to hear your family has always made you feel like you were making things up or that what you went through didn't matter. I want to let you know that it does matter and you're certainly not being dramatic. Having such feelings is okay too. Often, we feel invalidated because of everyone's reaction. As a trauma survivor, opening up can provide comfort and relief.
Having the courage to tell a school counselor is a brave feat in itself. Being uprooted from your home, having your family turn on you, being manipulated by your mother- I can't imagine what it was like to have to deal with all that. I'm sorry your mother put your stepdad above you and let him get away with it on account of being drunk. You did nothing to deserve that and nothing can excuse his actions.
You mentioned having an "unstable sex life" and feeling like you deserved that. As someone who has personally been through that, I can vouch for the fact that our past experiences make us feel we don't deserve any better and we end up placing ourselves in vulnerable situations as a form of self harm. You're not alone in how you feel.
The road to healing is filled with many obstacles and challenges and I'm proud of you for taking the first step by joining the trauma support subcommunity. Here, you can connect with fellow survivors who can relate to how you feel.
If you want to talk more about this, feel free to put out a general request or message a listener from the browse listeners page.
Take care~ Sierra