I told my boyfriend.
I recently told him I was sexually assaulted in 2020 after he tried defending rape jokes. It happened twice by the same rapist. The first time it happened me and my partner weren't together, and second time we were. It took a long time to accept what happened to me, and I hesitated telling him. I felt deep down inside of me he would blame me, that I wanted it, and that made me scared about telling him about the most recent one, the one that hurt me the most. He's more concerned with me being a non-virgin than the fact I had everything taken from me. I told him about the two assaults in one time frame; when we weren't together, because then he would be more understanding.. Right?
He still blamed me. He told me I should've known what was coming. How I knew what was happening. How I could've prevented it. How I could've done something different. How it was my fault. I tried to explain what happened to me twice in one time frame; a frame when we weren't together, yet that still wasn't good enough.
I know that if I had been honest about the second time being recent, something worse could've been said or done.
He apologized after I cried my heart out explaining I lost more than my virginity. I lost my sense of self, my safety, my worth. I lost who I was.
I never want to speak about it with him again. Whenever it's brought up, I can hear his voice filled with denial and blame. I hate it.
I feel awful lying about the second time being a part of the first, a time we weren't together, but I never lied about what happened to ME. My experience. I just know from how he responded, he won't be able to understand. He barely understands a time frame that didn't involve us being together.
@wickedhippie
I am so sorry to hear about your sexual assaults. And I completely agree, it is so much more than just your virginity that was taken. I hear the pain in your words and know how much this haunts you. Do not ever let anyone make you feel guilty, responsible, or that you did anything wrong to have this happen. This is part of your experience now and you deserve to be respected and treated with dignity and kindness. You survived that assault...you are a warrior. Don't let your bf make you doubt yourself or your self-worth. Sending you hugs and prayers for peace of mind.
I can feel your kindness behind your support, thank you for your words of encouragement; I really needed it, especially today.. I hope a gentle soul such as yourself has a lifetime of blessings and happiness; again, thank you for listening❤
@wickedhippie I can only imagine how painful it is to have to go through such a traumatic experience not once but twice and also be invalidated by your boyfriend. Whatever he says, know that there are lots of people here supporting you and we all have your back. What you went through is horrible and wrong on so many levels and it definitely isn't your fault. You're so brave to be able to be here and share your experience and even tell your boyfriend happened. The road to recovery is long and it will be hard but I believe in you to accept the trauma that happened and learn to cope with the stress that comes along with it. My PMs are open if you ever want to chat <33 I'm here for you every step of the way - every listener here is too.