I've never been able to tell my story

I've told people before, but I've never really been able to give the full truth. It's hard to think about and even harder to talk about. I was mentally and sexually abused for a period of about two years by an older kid in my neighborhood. I was six or seven when it all started. It would happen on an almost daily basis, especially when I didn't have school. It mostly happened in my house in my bed, but it was other places and his house too. He was one of my brothers' friends' brother. It all stopped when my mother found out one day, she asked me some questions that I don't really remember, I just remember that I lied, I felt like I had to lie... my family still doesn't know the extent of what happened, and for some reason that gives me some small bit of satisfaction, but even more shame and resentment towards them. I'm from the Bible Belt, I didn't want to go to hell, but some part of me knew that what I was doing... whatever it was to make him want to do those things to me... made me a fag and doomed me to hell. I know rationally that thought is ridiculous, but I feel part of it still has some ground, either in reality or my psyche. I've come to realize that I am actually homosexual, and I (at least try to) embrace it.
I've kept this and many other things inside. I was doing a pretty damn good job of it too. I know I've done a lot of wonderful and remarkable things in my life of almost 21 years, and I want to do even more. I feel like I need to do more... but I'm in a state of limbo and have been stuck that way for a few weeks(?) since I had a random relapse not too long ago.
I can't type anymore right now, I just don't really have it in me. Please forgive any spelling mistakes
~C