Looking for advice on past event?

Hi, everyone.

It's a bit scary for me to write this but I feel like I can't talk to friends and family about it as it is quite a personal issue and I seize up talking about it.

I hope someone can help as I can't really afford more counselling right now.

In my old job, I met a guy who I thought seemed nice. We dated for around 3 months but never engaged in any physical activity as I was actually a virgin at the time.

Truthfully, it always felt strained between us. I had always had issues with intimacy up until the age of 25, due to experiencing emotional abuse from my father when I was younger.

After undergoing psychotherapy for unrelated reasons, I realised that I also underwent forms of sexual abuse by my father aswell. I still struggle to talk about 3 separate occasions where my father blurred the lines between what is appropriate for a child to hear and see.

I spoke to my Mum and Sister about it but they are reluctant to listen to the truth. We are not a very emotional family and we have never spoken about it since I spoke out.

Things started to break down with the guy I was dating so I thought it would help to explain to him why I struggled with intimacy.

He had his own issues and I now suspect suppressed sexuality problems. He also didn't treat me very nicely honestly; a matter which various people in my life commented on so I know to be true but I didn't want to admit to at the time.

When I explained to him briefly that I had been through some things when I was younger, he immediately broke up with me and told me it was due to his own "personal reasons".

I pressed further looking for answers and he told me that to be in a 3 month dating scenario (we were not in a relationship, just dating) and not to engage in physical acts with him was not "normal". He was 30 years old at the time and had never had a girlfriend so I assume he was fairly inexperienced too in these matters.

This totally broke me, as I began to believe that because I wouldn't sleep with him I was worthless and that no one would ever understand my struggle. I have never spoken to anyone about such matters again for fear of the rejection I received that day.

That night, I opened my drawer and took a handful of tablets. It didn't feel like a suicide attempt at the time but, now, I realise it was.

I awoke in the middle of the night, shaking and vomiting, and this still haunts me to this day, that I was probably quite close to actually succeeding.

Present day, I am in a healthy relationship with an amazing man for 2 years who has been very patient with my past. I am very happy with all aspects of my life and have worked alot on my mental health since 2017.

Yet, I still can't admit or even speak the word "abuse" as I know there are people out there who suffer worse than me on a daily basis.

I still think about the guy I dated and the things he said and feel ashamed or embarrassed that I revealed my secret to him. I feel that he will always hold this and his poor treatment of me over me.

In ways, it mirrors the abuser and victim mentality that he has power over me in this way.

I never got any closure on the matter as the last thing he said to me was essentially blaming me for the breakdown of our "relationship". I feel a lot of anger towards him still today, even though it's been around 3 years.

What would you do if you were me to lessen this anger? And do you think I was over reacting at the time? I guess I'm looking for justification that it's ok for me to be upset about this.

Any advice would be much appreciated! X