Monsters in the castle
From so young that I can barely remember I have been beaten, shot, strangled, raped and blantly left for dead. My castle was supposed to be my safe place. My parents, supposed to protect me.. but there was no protection. They was "my daughters are upstairs" to pay for their next fix of drugs. I have been beaten by my parents for so many years, raped by so many strangers and my own brother, I have been shot by my dad and I have enured so much suffering that I don't feel anymore... I'm just an angry soul lost. I push everyone away. I'm so mean because of the fear of letting go and trying to trust. I hurt people. I've become such a terrible person for fear of having to relive my life. I cheated on my husband 2 weeks after our wedding with no excuse or reasoning as to why I love him and I always will but I constantly keep self destructing and I don't know how to stop doing that. I don't know how to let people in... I'm so messed up that when I'm sleeping no one can touch me without me waking up screaming and hitting... how do I break this horrible cycle.. how do I learn that I am enough and that I am worthy of love or even a good life....
That's a lot to deal with in one lifetime. Thank you for sharing that with us here.
There is so much here. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I’m sure that took a lot of courage to type out,
You're exhibiting an astounding level of self awareness.
Healing is possible… from anything.
YOU ARE WORTHY AND YOU ARE ENOUGH BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL HERE. The strength it takes to live with those experiences every day and continue is astounding.
but not everyone in the world is like that.
there are people who won’t abuse their family and friends like that.
Your fear and reactions to your experiences is completely understandable. I would struggle to trust too if those were my experiences. I do have trust issues myself and I push people away because of my own experience so I can relate.
But we are still here. We are worthy of love because we want love. And to want it means to know and believe that it is good- even if the people who were supposed to love us in the past didn’t.
my heart goes out to you.
ill be thinking of your story a lot I’m sure and wanting to know that the person who wrote it is overcoming that trauma.
You absolutely can. You’ve come this far.
and I’m sure you can go on to help others who have suffered similar experiences.
❤️
I wrote about my castle. An imaginary one I dreamed of every night, to escape from my daily responsibilities to care for my you her siblings, escape from my abusive father and from my a needy and manipulative mother. I asked mysekf the same thing - why I am so self-destructive. The more I am rejected the more I fight for it.
We must find a way to find out calm and peace and a better castle.
Take care:)
