My first step to healing
This is something I’ve never really spoken about with anyone before and I’ve always tried to pretend it didn’t happen but it’s never worked. After 3 years of flashbacks and nightmares making me relive my trauma every day I’ve decided to finally talk about my experience. Three years ago I was 16 years old and went on holiday with my parents where we met a man who worked at a bar near our hotel. He was almost 40 and was very charismatic and charming. He’d give us free drinks and would always make sure he was the one to make drinks for us especially mine. He always gave me extra attention when we went to the bar and made me feel like I was important. I’d have struggled with anxiety and self esteem issues for my whole life so getting attention from him made me feel good about myself which is why when he asked me to go to the beach with him I thought nothing of it. I met up with him during the day as he’d offered to show me around and take me to one of the beaches however once I’d met him he said he’d forgotten something and needed to get it from his apartment. Once again I thought nothing of it. We went back to his apartment and he decided he didn’t want to go back out and wanted to just watch some tv. I’d tried to convince him to go back out but he wasn’t going to and I didn’t know where I was or how to get back to my hotel. He took advantage of me that day as he sexually assaulted and raped me. I didn’t want it to happen but he told me if I told my parents I’d be in trouble for it because I was too young to do things like that so when I got back to my hotel room I didn’t say anything to them and we continued going back to the bar he worked at. One night he wasn’t working so he came and sat with us and had some drinks with us. He drugged my parents drinks and also mine. He took me back to his apartment when my parents went back to the hotel and I was assaulted more. He then took me back to my hotel room but he followed me in and assaulted me again as I was passing out in my bed. After he was done he left the country and went back home. It took me months to accept the fact that he had raped and assaulted me but even then I tried to pretend it didn’t happen. When my parents found out they were disappointed in me for not telling them and to an extent they blamed me for it. I’ve been told so many times that what happened was my fault and I should’ve done something to stop it. I’ve felt dirty and ashamed since the first time it happened and that feeling has never left me.
CoolAsACucumber123, my heart goes out to you. It’s very common to feel as tho something like that is ones fault. I have been through something kind of similar and I still have trouble accepting the fact that it wasn’t my fault because I feel like I could’ve done something to prevent it. But I assure you 100% that something like that can never be a persons fault. You were young and vulnerable and that man took advantage of you because he is a monster. Maybe it would help if you put it in perspective. If someone you love has gone through something like that would you believe that they should take the blame? I know you probably wouldn’t because it’s easier to process things when they’ve happened to other people but not ourselves. It’s alright if you take a while to accept the fact that it’s not your fault because like I said it is common to feel this way. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in this and I am rooting for your recovery.
Thank you I really appreciate your kind words and I’m sorry you’ve been through similar. This kind of experience isn’t something I’d wish upon my worst enemy. I get what you mean regarding if it had happened to someone else I just can’t help but blame myself still.
@coolasacucumber123 I'm so sorry to hear of your experience and the way it's left you feeling. On the point you raise about self blame, there's something that helps me deal with similar feelings. That is, recognising that something we share in common as survivors is a closer connection to our younger selves, that's to say that we tend to be more closely connected to who we were when the abuse took place, so we are less able to forgive our younger selves. Think about it if you were advising someone abused as a very young child (let's say around 8 years old). Arguably at that age the child can control it's own decision-making, can express agreement or disagreement, can 'speak up' and 'say no'. But as a society we programme our children to 'do as you're told', to respect adults as 'they know better' and to trust, even when the trust is totally undeserved. So try to think of you at the time you were taken advantage of, the time you were abused, and be gentle with yourself. What you went through was a situation in which the power was totally imbalanced, leaving you at the mercy of your abuser. The blame, the shame lies entirely with him - nothing in life prepares us (prepares you) to deal with an abusive situation, and weirdly I think that as a parent of 4 children myself, I think that nothing should have to prepare our children to cope with the worst evil that the world can throw at them, simply because it would be too traumatic. We do our best to keep them safe, to keep ourselves safe, but should always remember that the decisions made by others in abusive situations were decisions made by them at our expense, not because of how we reacted, what we did or didn't do. You were groomed (as was I by two teachers of mine at primary school) and nothing you did at the time or have done now or since then is in any way your fault. Your body, your decision-making at the time reacted as best it could to the way you were treated. Your younger self for having to deal with some of the worst evil life has thrown at you should not be blamed, as you didn't ask for what happened, what your abuser did to you. You were an unwilling participant in what he engineered, with no regard to you, your rights, your feelings, emotions or the lasting impact it will have on you. Try to forgive yourself as you would forgive a child in a heartbeat. Sending you *hugs* 😣 Grits
Thank you so much and I’m sorry to hear you went through something similar. I have been trying to look at it that why but some days I just feel like it’s pointless. Thank you again.
This is a horrible experience for someone to go through. The assaults in the first place were never ok and not your fault in anyway. It will take time to heal from this and the thoughts of shame and feeling dirty will fade with time and therapy if you are interested. If you are having an issue reaching out to a listener or crisis counselor is always an option. I wish you well on your road to recovery
Thank you I really appreciate it
My pleasure!
I am so glad you have found your voice to be able to share your experience. I'm still struggling to find mine because I do still blame myself partly for things that happened to me. I think that our power lies in the strength it takes for us to share our traumas and our experiences. We are scared of the aftermath, of the judgement, of the losses we will take from sharing. We fear others will blame us. We fear we will always blame ourselves. But you've had the courage to share your experiences with us and I am proud of you 😊 What happened to you was not your fault. I 100% believe that it was not your fault.
Thank you so much I really appreciate that 😊 it can be hard to find your voice but I think the most important thing is to not rush it just allow yourself to feel everything your feeling.
Dear cool, your a beautiful person, congrats for being brave enough to share that awful experience. I'm so sorry. Be So proud of your ability to share that! Btw no way that was your fault , not one second of it. That guy should be in jail for what he did to you. Give yourself a hug for surviving and finding your voice...your not alone and ppl here care and understand....I care 💜ABB
Thank you so much I really appreciate it 💜