My story: Trigger warning t
Hi am new to all of this but I would to share my story and get peoples advice.
when I was 2-8 I was being sexually assaulted by two different people. One of them was my brother and the other was my next door neighbors father. I did not know what was going on at the time but all I knew what I did not like it. Whenever my parents would leave for work and my brother would watch me he would pull me into one of the bedrooms in the house and he would kiss me up and down, take my clothes off and put me on the bed. He would have me rub up and down on his groan and tell me that I was doing a good job and tell me what a good girl I am. Then when ever I was around my next door neighbors house they would leave me in the room alone with her father he would start kissing me and telling me how much he loved me. He would put his hands on my vagina and ask me if that felt good every time I said no. He would pull his penis out and have me touch it and I didn't like it. I knew if I said anything I wouldn't be able to hangout with my friend anymore but that did not matter because no one believed me anyways. My mother says it never happened and that I was crazy when I was a kid. But I knew I wasn't crazy because my friend told me it happened and I did not imagine it. That's why her parents are divorced and she never sees him it's because of me.
Anyways my problem now is I am in a serious relationship and we are sexually active. I recently have been getting serious flashback of what happened to me when I was younger
@ambitiousMoon1259
Hello Moon, I'm deeply sorry for not responding to you earlier. I meant to, but I got caught up with a lot of things
I imagine that to have experienced sexual abuse at an age as young as 2 would have been daunting. I understand that it was a difficult place to be in, as you didn't know what it was about, but just instinctively knew that it was inappropriate. To be blackmailed into not speaking about it, so you could be with your friend sounds really bad, I don't have any words to express how sorry I am that you had to face it. And to speak about it, thereafter-only to have your mother not believe you about it, could have been disheartening and demoralizing.
I feel like it wasn't easy for you to speak about the abuse you faced, and describe it in the manner that you did-I hope that revisiting the memory to speak it out, was not too hard on you.
I also hope that knowing your friend's story helps you believe yourself a little more.
I can comprehend how knowledge of the trauma that has been inflicted on you, could have a deep impact in your present sexual relationship. I haven't personally experienced trauma similar to yours-hence,I'm afraid I'm not a position to offer you advice that could not have any negative effect.
I would like to offer some resources that I hope will be of atleast a little assistance to you:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm
https://rsvporg.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/Coping-With-Flashbacks.pdf
If you feel comfortable sharing, may I ask if your partner is aware of the sexual abuse you face in the past, or the flashbacks you're experience currently?
Once again, I apologize for the delay in reply, and I hope the resource I've linked is of a little assistance. Thank you for writing on here, and sharing your story. *sending air hugs*
@loyalTree3713
Hi i am also sorry for the late replay but my parents dont know about the flashbacks and everything my mother still says i made it up and i am doing it for attention. I don't really like sharing what happened to me but everything is getting worse. my flashbacks, my anxiety, and my depression.
@ambitiousMoon1259
If you feel comfortable sharing, what do you think makes you feel averse to the idea of sharing what happened to you, with your SO (significant other)?
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling a lot more anxious and depressed around now-and that that the flashbacks you're experiencing are growing more frequent. It sounds a little worrying! Do you feel like there's something which helps you with them-Maybe an environment where you feel safe?
[And no worries at all, about the delayed reply]
@ambitiousMoon1259
Thank you for sharing your story, it can't have been easy to write all of that out.
Sexual abuse in childhood breaks trust in adults, in partners, in family, in authority. When you grow up and enter into normal relationships, unfortunately, relationships can mimic what you felt as a child. Normally abusers are in positions of authority, or being a family member they are people you already had a loving relationship with. In terms of your brother, you already loved him as a brother, and potentially still do, or at least did during the abuse. Sometimes it creates very confusing feelings because you trust these people to have your best interest in mind, so of course they wouldn't do something to hurt you... if you're not enjoying it perhaps it is because something is wrong with you, like you're not grateful of something. These are the things we say to ourselves because the situation is so confusing. The key is to remember that what happened was NOT your fault. What they did to you was their choice.
Love and intimacy will be confusing for a long time, because you have been trained to feel that those you love and trust most will take advantage of you and hurt you. In terms of your flashbacks, I find that with sexual abuse these get triggered most when your relationship is mimicing the abuse (the loving parts or the sexual parts). It can be a certain way that you are touched, or spoken to, or a certain word/phrase, or the time of day the abuse occured, the location it occured. Anything that can bring you back to that moment can trigger not only visual flashbacks but also physical ones, remembering how things felt. Often these flashbacks can be accompanied by shame and guilt that has nothing to do with the current situation (if you are intimate with a partner).
The way to work through this is to work on feeling safe, having your partner respect your limits and boundaries. Feeling like you can say "no" and have it be respected and not guilted. It can be a process that takes many years. I recommend seeking out professional help of a therapist with experience in CSA or trauma, and if that's not possible, there are a few self help books out there in regard to CSA sexual health, a lot of these books also have helpful information for your partner to help you through this journey.
As a survivor myself, I can assure you that healing from this is possible, and it's possible for these flashbacks to mostly disappear. It's also very possible to lead a healthy sexual life in a healthy relationship. You can get through this.