Need help TW abuse and self-harm
I don't know where to go for help with this problem. I was abused as a kid. And now as an adult, whenever anyone initiates sex with me I dissociate and do whatever they want. I can't stop myself and I can't communicate that I'm not ok. It leads to sexual experiences that the other person thinks is consensual but that feels like an assault to me. The day after sex, I tend to cry and self-harm a lot. Sometimes I struggle with suicidal thoughts. (I have a safety plan in place for that.) Does anyone else have this problem and have they found a way of managing it? I can't really prevent myself from being triggered because even just a kiss can be a trigger. And I can't predict in advance when someone is going to try to have sex with me. Sometimes friends suddenly want to be "friends with benefits", so even if I think a relationship is platonic there is a chance that the other person will make a sexual advance of some kind and then I'll dissociate and not have control over what happens. I really don't know how to maintain friendships and keep myself safe. I would be grateful for any advice.
@politeJet1071 I'm so sorry that you are struggling with this. I'm in a similar position, having been through 5 years of sexual abuse from one of my teachers when I was at middle school, and still to this day find myself at times dissociating from sexual contact. I don't have solutions to offer, but would say that the way I've managed to handle this is by (just recently) being totally open and honest with my partner, explaining how I feel and the sensations I have, the thoughts and feelings, and emotions that trigger my dissociating, and trying my hardest to explain that baby steps are all I can take at times, and sometimes no steps at all. Don't feel like I'm making a lot of sense! Sorry... In essence, trusting my sense that I'm in a relationship that can take this level of honesty, that my worst nightmare of it ending my relationship is highly unlikely, and focusing on my own rights to have sexual contact on my terms, when I'm comfortable, when my partner is comfortable. I can assure you that this level of honesty hasn't been easy, but that it has made a big difference. That and finding a safety word, a means of backing away without having to say too much, that has helped hugely. Whatever you do, remember that your rights to choose how, when and who you connect with are without question. If that means that you take things slowly, that you need more support from your partner to understand why this might be, then do so. The right person will understand this, and make you realise that you are worthy of being loved, worthy of being reminded how special you are. Take good care of yourself. Grits
Thank you
We shouldn't never feel ashamed about what happened to us, I also was abused as a kid and I founded really hard to feel safe having sex, I need to feel confident and secure with the other person so I can open myself to the other, what I do before start to have sex is stopped and share to my partner what happened to me, I never been rejected after that and also they started to ask me if I was okay or if I liked At the beginning can be really emotional to have to tell the thing, but it also an important thing as it can be to talk about the use of contraceptives, there is no reason why to have sex with someone if you're not going to enjoy it