New here with my story

Hi I'm new to this and needed a safe place to share my story.

When I was 13 I was in a relationship with an older boy, he was desperate to lose his virginity and it was something I had never even thought about. We slept together a handful of times but I never considered it abuse until later on, I had not wanted to be part of this at all. I ended up being put on the pill and being told I couldn't tell anyone because he would get in trouble, so I never spoke about my relationship to anyone. I was stopped from going out with my friends and my phone was always checked and questions asked about who I had been speaking to. I was so convinced this was normal and that it was all 'done because he loves me and wants to protect me' for so long I believed it all and believed id be nothing on my own.

I never actually broke up the realtionship more like ran away, changed my number and everything.

When I was 17 I was at a friend's party and fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up a few hours later to one of the boys I knew from school having taken off my pants and putting his fingers inside me. I totally froze and couldn't stop this from happening. I would have loved to pretend it never happened but he told all his friends about it which made it very awkward when I next walked into school.

I have since been in other toxic relationships and feel like I almost need that domination of someone over me, where I have to ask to do anything and they have fed off this and been able to guilt me into not doing what I want and be always there with them. But sexual relationships have always been a problem for me. I get so nervous about it that I can't enjoy it and Im so scared of everything to do with being intimate with someone

Since all of this I feel like I've become emotionally numb and I don't know how to get back to some sense of myself. I've been getting treatment for depression recently but it's not helping me to process these events and I really just don't know where to start with it. T

the thought of sitting and saying all of this to someone fills me with so much anxiety that I just can't bring myself to do it

Thank you for reading this