Please help me :( I’m not sure if I was assaulted
Just under a year ago, this time last year, me and my boyfriend were out spending time together. He took me into a dark alley where we started kissing for the first time. I felt uncomfortable so I said “stop”, however he pulled me in closer and kissed me again, holding me at my hips. Eventually I broke free from him and walked with him, acting like nothing happened. However, on our way to the bus stop, there was another dark alleyway. He pulled me in and said we should do things. I felt uncomfortable, however thought maybe I felt that way because these things were new to me. He started to touch me, however it was painful so I told him to stop because i became increasingly uncomfortable. When I said “can you stop?” he said “no I promise it’ll feel better in a bit” I tried pushing him/nudging him away from me, but that didn’t work. I knew it felt wrong that he didn’t stop but I ignored it thinking I was his girlfriend and I shouldn’t disappoint him. He would always be manipulating me into talking in a sexual way over text or showing him things over camera. Generally threatening suicide which is a sensitive topic to me and he knew this, taking advantage. For a long time I doubted that anything was wrong until I read a post on Instagram stating what sexual assault was. I panicked, did more research and was horrified that I’d actually buried the truth for 8 months because I didn’t want to face it. I only realised 4 months ago that this was assault however I’m really happy with my current boyfriend who is extremely supportive of me and is always there when I’m in need of him but I just feel that I can be a problem or burden on him with what I’m going through. Sometimes I feel that he deserves someone else without so much baggage. I’m still hesitant to call this sexual assault and feel like I may be reading into things too much and that I’m being dramatic. I can’t stop blaming myself or make my brain understand that my current boyfriend is not my ex and will never be. I feel that it’s not fair on him, he’s the complete opposite. Kind, compassionate, supportive, extremely extremely respective and most of all mature and responsible. Pls help me :(
A.B.S.O.L.U.T.E.L.Y. sexual assault
Please reach out to the national sexual assault hotline!
I was thinking of doing this but I’m quite worried they would take details and I’ve been trying to find out if everything is anonymous. Would you happen to have an idea?
Yes they are anonymous and don’t ask for details unless you provide some
Thank you so much
Hello there. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. We try to protect ourselves from the trauma by convincing or questioning whether it was r e a l l y sexual assault. What you described is the definition of sexual assault, but it helped me to stop focusing on how to label the event and just recognize the ways it affected me. You have been affected by what happened to you, and that's valid. You are not dramatic. I know how hard it is to trust another boyfriend afterwards. Piece by piece, your brain will learn that it's a different person and that you are safe. These things take time. Trust me, I know how overwhelming and complicated it is, but you are not a burden. The past will keep getting further away, and you'll keep creating new and beautiful memories.
Thank you so much. It’s reassuring to hear I’m not being dramatic and that someone else understands what is going through my head at the minute. I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this way. The past WILL keep getting further away and I will make many more new memories with my new boyfriend and friends you’re absolutely right. I understand what you mean by protecting ourselves from trauma, we don’t want to have to deal with the negative emotions that come. It may sound strange but I feel as though the situation has made me a stronger person and that’s a positive outcome. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone and thank you for making me and my emotions feel valid