Ptsd, SA

When I was younger I had afew situations which left me traumatized, the first was at 12 when I woke to a family friends hands down my pants, the one family member I told made me stay quiet. The second big one was when I had just turned 16, I told him I didn't want to loose my virginity yet (especially considering I had just met him) I kept saying no and asking him to stop, he just kept telling me it's OK and he won't do more than kiss, then won't do more then touch, kept progressing with me begging him to stop every few seconds. After he had started I decided to stop trying to convince him to stop, because a) he had already done it now b) I didn't want to believe I was a victim and c) I didn't scream or fight so I didn't think it counted. These among other situations that I was told to keep quiet about left me convinced that if a guy wanted it, you had to give it... I felt like I had no say over my body.

I've always managed to push it all down and just accept it but lately it's really surfacing. I'm in a newish relationship and lately, anything and everything sexual is setting off my trauma, even kissing. he doesn't push me at all but just knowing what he wants and the fact that my body is completely opposing it is taking a massive toll on my mental health. I don't know what started it or why now after so many years but I'm not handling it 😔