Reclaiming love: Life after sexual abuse
So no disrespect or harm to anyone and with no intention of triggering anyone. I have an interesting article I'd like to share with all those women, men, children who struggle with a rather obvious and yet so taboo topic. Sex after sexual abuse, how to reclaim love. Without further ado, I share the article!
One in every five women has been sexually assaulted. And most of those assaultshappen before the age of 25. I am a woman. Im 25 years old, and I am part of the 20 percent of women who have been raped.
Its one of the hardest things Ive had to accept about myself, and its one thats not frequently talked about.
This summer, I met a guy, and for the first time since my rape, I wanted to have sex with someone. I scoured the Internet for advice and found nothing. I was so nervous about having sex, but had no one to talk to about my concerns. It wasnt going to be my first time, but it certainly felt like it. My first time again, if you will, and I needed some advice.
What I want to say to those of you who have also been affected by sexual assault is that sex isnt frightening. Its fun. And it can be great, if you let it to be. There are a few speed bumps to that road. Its not going to be as easy for you as for the 80 percent of women who are nervous and excited in all the normal ways. For us, its a little different.
Every sexual trauma is different, and I can only speak for myself, but these were the major concerns that arose for me and how I chose to go about solving them.
Finding The Person: I refer to this person as training wheels. And finding him should be the easiest part of the equation. Your training wheels will help you find your footing in remembering how to ride a bike (or a person in this case), and youre going to want them to be awesome. First and foremost, find someone you like. Someone youre attracted to. Someone you want to have sex with. This might sound incredibly obvious. Why would you try to have sex with someone youre not into? But believe me, I contemplated it. Just to get it over with, I told myself. But ultimately, I waited until I found someone I couldnt stop thinking about having sex with, which is really how I knew I was ready.
To Tell or Not To Tell, That Is The Question: No one wants to lead in the bedroom with, So, I should tell you, Ive been raped … In fact, its something I try not to tell people because its something that I dont want to immediately define me. But the problem is that with sex in particular, that experience does define me. And if you feel the same way about your own experience, its something that youre going to need to communicate to your partner. You may think itll scare them off, but I guarantee theres a miniscule chance of that. And if by that incredibly small chance he does reject you based on that admission, run far far away — hes not worth your time or your body. I was initially too scared to tell my partner, and though it worked out, it was only because I was able to avoid certain triggers.
Location, Location, Location: I decided I was going to have sex before the night even began. (Yes, ladies, that is how control of the situation you are … believe it). I called him up, asked him if he wanted to sleep over, and boom, 20 minutes later, he was in my apartment. This is because I wanted the main event to be on my ground, AKA, my bed. I found it comforting to be in my own bed and surrounded by my own things. I knew that if things went badly, Id be able to send him home (as opposed to making a sleuth escape). As soon as he came over, we both knew what was going to happen, but I was nervous hed be able to tell how inexperienced I was. Word of advice: as soon as youre naked, it wont even cross his mind.
What Positions Are Best?: This was something I was particularly worried about, especially since I hadnt told my partner what the hell was going through my mind. Because of this, I found it extremely helpful to let him lead. Specific things to keep in mind: any sort of face-to-face position will be best. This will allow you to stay present and keep your eyes on who youre currently with. Also, if having your hands and feet pinned down might trigger you, make sure you can move them around at your leisure.
Dirty Talk: What Should I Say?: For those of you who dont want to keep your eyes open the entire time to stay in the present, try talking. It sounds a little silly, but this helped me stay in the moment the most, even when my eyes drifted closed. Plus, your partner will appreciate hearing if hes doing something right. And on the flip side of that, if something isnt right, you can turn it into dirty talk without immediately bringing up your trauma. For example (Mom, dont read this), I like it when you hold my hands, but I love raking my nails down your back even more. With a statement like this, he gets immediate satisfaction from being told Im enjoying myself, and I get the use of my hands back without feeling like a victim.
Finding a connection through sex after being raped has been a lengthy learning process. For years, I compartmentalized sex into a little scary, violent box, but I know now it doesnt have to be that way. You can be in control of the entire situation. And you should be able to ask for what you want and need sexually.
Sex is a healthy part of adult relationships, and its something Im so happy to have reclaimed.
-Charolotte Lewis