Risky behavior, sexual trauma, shame & fear
I feel deeply uncomfortable with sex - I don't like being thought of sexually, I don't like the idea of being 'attractive' by someone in that way, and I am uncomfortable with intimacy, to the point that the idea of being highly intimate with someone has left me shaking.
At the same time, I have found myself placing myself in risky situations - retraumatizing, revictimizing situations, situations in trying to connect to bad and abusive people. For a long time, I felt as if I was only worthwhile in being something for people to use. Lately, though, it struck me that I was used, and that for a long time being used was my main mode of connection.
Despite this, though, I find myself longing to go back - and on the rare occasion I go through with it, I find myself frozen. Deeply churning and uncomfortable inside, but scared to say no. Scared to run.
Does anyone else struggle with this?
@modestBike489
Hey Bike,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. From what I know, being "intentionally" retraumatized is pretty common for people with cPTSD. If I understand it right, that's because as everyone, we seek the familiar, and also the traumatic situations let our body release hormones which can ease our discomfort for a moment. (source: https://deviantdaeva.wordpress.com/2018/06/14/reenactment-c-ptsd-and-retraumatizing/)
I think what's important to remember is that this is part of the disorder and not your fault. You're working on healing as hard as you can and that's enough.
Take care,
audienta