Sadness and guilt
There is a sadness that perdures in time. A sadness that has taken root in my heart. It is always there, silent, awaiting and growing, like a twisted vine making it's way through the light of my life, casting shadows on my hope. A sadness steals every drop of joy from the scarce happy moments. it crushes and tears, it burns my chest from inside, it robs away my hope.
It is fueled by a neverending guilt. Guilt for the things I had to do, guilt for not being able to stop it, guilt for the things I wore, guilt for the things I should have never felt, guilt because it was my fault. Something in me is broken and I begin to understand that I will never be the one I was once. That girl is lost, her light is gone, her smile faded away, her innocence is no more. And where she used to be there is now a monster, a rotten person who has done disgusting things.
He took everything from me, and now I'm letting him take my hope too.
@Kimmkimm I don't claim any magic solution to the all encompassing feeling of guilt, self blame and shame, but one of the ways I do find helps me make sense of the feeling is to recognise that what happened to me took place when I was a child. It sounds so simple, but the key element is to distinguish between you as your younger self, and you as you are now. Your younger self was less able and less prepared to deal with the terrifying and traumatic situation you found yourself in, and what's more, any fully grown adult would also have found the situation incredibly hard to handle. Your choices in how you responded at the time were taken away from you by your abuser. They took your control and took advantage of you, not because you in any way wanted them to, but because they were in a position of power and they abused that privilege. I hear you when you talk about that girl being lost, her light being gone, but please do remember that you are stronger than you realize, your heart is huge and still capable of loving and empathising with others, and above all you are an amazing person with so much to give. None of that indicates that the girl who you truly are is gone, if anything your history has had some amazingly positive outcomes which have all been controlled and grown by you in response to what happened. Yes, your inner tree has been hugely affected by the weedkiller of your abuser's influence over you, and their actions towards you. But this inner tree is not dead. Remember how you will have seen plants and trees come back from the dead simply with some tender loving care, some water and feed from positive people and positive interaction with others. That is what we are here for, to nourish you, to remind you that in no way were you at fault for what happened, to remind you that you will heal and grow, and you still have so much to give. Don't give up, remember that freedom is what you do with what's been done to you (to quote Jean Paul Sartre), and that in the words of the Gestalt Prayer I do my thing and you do your thing, I am not in this world to live up to your expectations And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I. And if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful, If not, it can’t be helped. 🤗 Grits
@Grits1910
Hello, Grits, thank you so much for being here. You said that it helps to recognize that you were a child when it happened and I understand that, but it didn't stop for me until some months ago. I don't think there is a significant difference between back then and now. I wasn't even one year younger and I could have fought as much as I can fight now.
Grits, I hope you're right. I hope I grow stronger with time. I wish it happened now but I understand it takes time. I've had ups and downs but I'm tired of these cycles. Thing seem pointles and days are meaningless. I have some relief here in 7 cups but the sadness never goes. And I'm tired. What I'm about to say is terrible, I know, but it's what I think sometimes. Sometimes I think that he should have not let me alive. And my life is the only thing he didn't take away from me. I'm not giving up, I will never give up, but fighting every day is draining and maybe, just maybe, it would be good to rest. Sorry to be so negative and pessimistic. I hope I am not discouraging you or anyone reading this. I'm not fine at all but I will be. Maybe I just need to vent.
@Kimmkimm Venting is good, therapeutic and helps you process what you're feeling, so never feel the need to apologize for doing so! I recognize your tiredness, empathize and understand where you're coming from. I'd advise to remember the power of fresh air, sunlight, a good book or something else that can absorb you, even if only for a short time. The sunlight triggers all the good chemicals in your brain to counteract your fatigue, and triggers the good chemicals that help you feel more positive and able to handle what life is throwing at you. Sometimes I find that being strict with myself and getting outside and blowing away the cobwebs can be hugely beneficial. You're not discouraging me - you and your journey is an inspiration to us all! Feel the strength that comes from solidarity, that we understand you, and you can lean on us, lean on me any time you need to. 🤗 Fingers crossed today brings you blessings and some relief from your pain. Grits
@Grits1910
Thank you, Grits. I really appreciate every word. Thank you.
@Kimmkimm
@hopebeyondpain
We'll go through this, little princess. Thank you for always being there. 💖