Sexual Abuse and My Guilt *TRIGGER*

One day I will build up the courage to tell my full story but today I guess I'm writing mostly to myself, to make it real but also to others who have similar experiences and feelings.

My two brothers sexually abused me when I was 7 or 8, I told my mother and she threatened to take them to the police, I begged her not to and she decided to do as I asked.

When I got older and I reached secondary school, my oldest brother moved in with us and on and off for years he would sexually abuse me and try and rape me but at that point I could no longer take it and I'd escape his grip and leave, this continued until last year when I kicked him away and screamed at him, I had a breakdown in front of him and I ran downstairs, he asked my forgiveness by offering me a takeaway and when I declined he left and didn't come back until later that day. I no longer live with him but at 17 years old, I'm dealing with the consequences. I excused his actions, I convinced myself that I had dreamt it or that I'd been mistaken despite being fully aware of the scalding hot showers I'd take to wash away my guilt of getting an ounce of pleasure and the feeling of his roaming hands and body.

I confessed a few weeks ago to my mother that after she thought it had stopped years ago, it had in reality, continued with one of my brothers. She was mortified, blaming herself and telling me that I will at some point have to speak to my therapist (Diagnosed with depression and anxiety amongst other observations since secondary school). I am terrified for various reasons:

1. I feel as though I will be judged and criticised.

2. I find it extremely difficult to open up about things such as suicidal thoughts or my opinions of myself to them let alone something I've buried for years.

3. Will they dismiss it as my mother did all those years ago or as my friends have during a couple of slip ups where I've not handled my drink and confessed to them, only to be forgotten about and never mentioned again.

4. I haven't yet told anyone about the fact that on a few occasions of the past year when I've had to stay at my dads house and I've pretended to sleep, he has felt my body and I have been curious to test how far he'd go even though throughout I feel sick and terrified, I feel guilty as if I've coaxed him by leaving him do it and still sleeping in his bed despite me not going there for months.