Suppressed Memory
I have been asked A LOT if I've suffered sexual abuse because of things I say/do in regards to anything sexual. This week my therapist told me that I mentioned being sexually assaulted in a part a couple of years ago but I have no memory of the event or the conversation, but that doesn't really mean anything
I recently learned that I have very few memories about anything in my life. I can list things that have happened, sometimes, but there are other periods of my life where I don't remember anything, which I'm learning is normal for trauma.
I just don't know how to deal with this news and how to deal with trauma my body remembers, but my brain doesn't.
@beautifuldisasterx0 & @warmheartedAcai1113 You both are far from alone on this. Trauma related Dissociation is a very common reaction that many here in Trauma Support members ant team alike have. This is one of the ways our brain reacts to cope with extreme events. I too experience this, but for me it has alle been coming back to me in waves. Sometimes in small bits I have to explore, sometimes memories hit me like The Hammer of the Gods. I didn't know how abused I was, I didn't even know I was a sex worker till I was freed from it and away for a while. Oh the horror and shame I felt as I learned of it alle, still remembering things too. There are several techniques a Trauma Therapist can use to assist this process, like EMDR for one. Finding a good Trauma Therapist you feel comfortable with and trust to work with is the most helpful thing one can do under such circumstances. you are not crazy, and unfortunately this is most common. I hear you both and I feel for you, please feel free to pm me if you wish.
@Raveninthelabrynth
Thank you so much for your reply - it genuinely makes me feel a little less crazy. I also experience it in waves and have had a 'Hammer of God' (love the expression!) this week, and these seem to have been happening pretty much every 8 weeks since October. It's so frustrating as I just about get to a point where I feel like I can accept the past (and the unknown past), knowing that I have already done it all once, so whatever comes up next I can also live through, and genuinely feel grounded, present and optimistic despite regular short flashbacks. Every time the 'Hammer' strikes, the realisation that there is EVEN MORE I don't remember (like a relationship that I apparently had, couldn't even remember the guy's name, and was completely shocked to find email correspondance from over a year) completely shakes any sense of reality.
Then 'The Hammer of God' strikes (normally as a result of a PTSD trigger) and I am back to feeling like I don't know who I am, feeling like nothing is real, dissociated from the world around me, unaware of my location in a city I have lived in for four years and unable to recognise faces, not to mention really struggling at work. My anxiety levels sky rocket and it feels like my brain is completly shutting down. Emotionally I feel like I'm being super dramatic, but have no control. When I'm in a better place, I can use grounding tecnhiques, mindfulness, yoga etc to help get back to the top of the mountain, but when triggered, I have no warning signs and consequently no control... I also think (though it's hard to judge as I genuinely can't recall) that my memory is generally marginally better when I am in a good place than after a trigger.
Is this anything close to your experiences?
@warmheartedAcai1113 wow hon, yes very familliar. Alle my memory of my trauma, well atleast the trauma of sex work, also began to come back due to an email. I cant describe the horror and shame I felt in realizing that I had indeed been a sex worker for a few years, but worse so in counting the litteral hundreds of men I was with (apparently alle arranged via email). It certainly twirrled my beenie backwards to say the least. Being fierce and brutally honest with myself in therapy helped the most. For me, once I started to remember it was like opening the flood gates. There are still often a new memories, but now I expect it and am better preparred to handle them.
As far as Dissociating, yes grounding skills and keeping focused on whatever I am doing at the time helps the best. There is alot to learn here in Trauma Support, as well in the world to help us manage Dissociation, but our best friends are our Therapists. Hang in there hon, the worst of it is over, the rest is like a really crappy movie of the week we have no choice but to watch.
@Raveninthelabrynth
I defintely struggle with feeling like I don't know who I am or what I've even been through. I think I'm at the beginning stage of processing my trauma because I've never dealt with it in therapy and my PTSD was triggered by my dad back in October. Things were getting bad, but then there was one particular event and it was almost like my brain broke, like it sort of felt like a pencil snapped in half and luckily I had a friend on the phone with me because if I hadn't had my friend to bring me back to reality I don't know what I would have done, that was the moment in my life that if I had access to something I felt the most serious about ending my life because I coudn't cope with the flood of emotions that came with it.
At the time I was doing intensive out patient at the mental health center, and so I was able to get through each day by looking forward to my next day of IOP (monday-friday) but then Friday came around and I had nothing to look forward to until Monday and nothing to keep me safe until Monday, and so I went inpatient and completely dissociated for 20 days and they tried to do EMDR and other trauma therapy, but I couldn't access my emotions (it was an inpatient trauma unit) but during this stay I remember having a flashback of sexual abuse but no one I know, nor myself can recall anything happening like that when I was younger.
They were able to get me back to a functioning state but then things kept triggering my trauma and I sprialed so badly out of control I really feel like I was losing control over my mind and trying to get help just made my trauma worse because the trauma unit would not take me again (and then when they did they discharged me because of behaviors that I look at now and realize were really trauma related). Actually even thinking about the fact that the trauma program won't help me is triggering me. I've seen my friends go there and get help and they love it, and they did help a lot before, but now the memories, the emotions, they're ready to process and I have no one to process them with. I am trying to finish up a handful of assignments to officially graduate college and I'm expected to start looking for a job but i literally cannot function right now because all I do is lay around and cry and look at memes to distract me or learn more about trauma and get more pissed off that no one will help me with my trauma and that people seem to invalidate it.
It's also terrifying because the memories I do have are traumatizing yes, but what is so bad that my brain had to block it out completely? Like I don't know if I even want to know what has happened to me. It's terrifying knowing that I told my therapist I'd been sexually assaulted and have no memory of it, and something about knowing that makes me feel disgusting or gross or I don't even know. I just want to heal so I can start moving on with my life and stop spending my days on the floor, in bed, or on the ground in a gazebo.
@beautifuldisasterx0
Hey there,
I'm not an expert or a therapist, but can completely identify with where you are at right now.
The thing that has helped me the most so far, is the knowledge that the memory loss or dissociation (or whatever you want to call it) is a protective mechanism and does not mean that you are going crazy. It has helped you to survive something in the past, and you have survived it, whatever it is. I also have days on end where all I want to do is cry and curl up on the floor in a ball, and am sure anyone going through this emotional flood does - you are not alone in this. Try to work out what makes you feel safe and if you can, try something creative - writing, drawing etc, without judgement of what comes out and not for anyone else except for you. If you like yoga, try to get out of your head (reading about trauma) and back into your body, or go for a run - it's so easy to get caught up in trying to rationalise what is going on, but not always helpful (speaking from experience!!).
I guess I have been lucky in that many of the memories that have come through for me, I've been able to corroborate in some way, but there are still some that I can't and have had to accept that they are real to me and start to process them as a truth, trusting that I am having them for a reason. There have certainly been (and are) times where I have felt like my memory was not reliable but have learned to trust them as they come through, even if they don't necessarily make sense at the time.
Do you have access to anyone to talk to about this who works with survivors of trauma? Having a therapist to talk to has really been super helpful, though 45 minutes a week never feels like enough to make sense of everything that is going on in my head!!! If the trauma unit are unable to help, could you go to your GP and have a referral to a psychologist or similar?
Keep going, you CAN do this! x
@beautifuldisasterx0 Hugs Beautiful, I am so sorry for your woes. I too have burned most every bridge I have crossed too, and yes I too know it as a reaction to trauma. It is up to each of us to recognize when we are turning from seeking help to being abusive to others due to our pain and fears. Truly knowing is half the battle. perhaps you may be able to apeal to the trauma centre you went to and get further help at some point? Yes trauma can be horrifying to face, but really the worst part is over and you surviveed that. The rest is just a horror show we must watch again and again till it becomes the mundane. Nothing with trauma is simple, and there is no cookie cutter approach nor instant fix. Beginning to have the memories is a good thing, though it may not seem so. It's a long hard walk through Hel, and we alle walk it, I am no a Therapist, but I am happy to be a friend and share some of your journey with you. 
@Raveninthelabrynth
I was admitted inpatient again. The memories and confusion became very overwhelming. I just graduated college, I'm in the process of changing mental health providers, I felt some feelings of abandonment and rejection when no one could come to my graduation (even though I tried so hard NOT to let it bother me), and I felt pressure coming from every direction to do this or that, and I just broke one night. The hospitalization sucked. They still won't take me in the trauma center and I got defensive and attacked every professional that tried to help if they told me how I was thinking or feeling. It made me question my perception of reality and I had to admit that I'm becoming very paranoid most of the time. I feel like the not trusting and getting defensive is something getting in my way of treatment but I'm not really sure what is making me that way. I have never been like that and I feel like trying to figure all of this crap out on my own is turning me into someone I'm not.
@beautifuldisasterx0 Hey Beautiful, I am sorry to hear of your rough go of things. Coming from the aggressive culture I do, I too butted heds and clashed hard with those trying to help me in mmy worst of times. (((HUGE SAFE HUGS))). I had to learn to temper myself and listen to those whom are trained to help me. Trust doesn't come easy, but we have to be open to allow it to grow. Sometimes we just have to give in whether we trust or not and keep mindful of our emotions and actions and allowpeople to help us. I do hope that your new Therapist will be better at trauma, and that you can find trust and work well together. It too will take some patience and mindfulness, but I know you can do it hon I have faith in you.
Super Huge Congratulations on graduating!!! This is no easy feat and not everyone gets through it. I am sorry your family didn't show, that's their mistake. None the less, don't let that spoil the hard work and great things you have accomplished. This is such awesome news, and it made my day brighter to hear it. I am so very proud of you, take some pride in your accomplishment.
@Raveninthelabrynth i feel u. I dissociated when it happened to me. The memories come and go like flashbacks. I will never forget that moment. How powerless I felt. Couldn't talk. Couldn't move.
@BabyBee18 I am so sorry for what you went through and still have issues with. I am however glad it is over now, now you have the opportunity to pick up the pieces, grow stronger, and carry on. (((Huge Safe Hugs for your sorrows)))
