*TRIGGER WARNING* Is this rape?
(I was 7 years old when this happened)
I was sleeping in my bedroom. I wasn't fully conscious at the time. I felt something touching my legs, my stomach, and my private area. I was trying to figure out what was going on as I slept. It took me a while to wake up, but as soon as I opened my eyes, I saw my stepfather's head was under my legs. The pants I was wearing were gone. The underwear I was wearing was gone. My mind was flooded with confusion. It was so terrifying that I froze. He was rubbing his hands on my *** and I couldn't move. I would act as if I was asleep when he looked up to see if I was awake. There was nothing I could say or do except watch. I felt scared. Then, my step-father began to put his finger inside of me and then out of me. He was putting his finger back in again. It was painful. I moved because it hurt. As soon as I moved, he realized I was awake. He got up from under me and out of my room. To check if I was awake, he came back to the hallway in front of my bedroom door. I cracked my eyes and acted as if I was asleep. He'd left my bedroom and entered the room across from mine with my mom. I didn't want what happened to me to happen again, so I didn't go back to sleep.
*TRIGGER WARNING*
(I was 8 years old when this happened.)
My step-father picked my up from school and we went to the store. He grabbed some drinks. Then, he took me to the park. He told me to go on the playground. I went on the swings. Another car pulled up. It was a white car. A woman was in that car. I saw him go in the car with her. I could see what was happening in the car. They turned the music in the car and started to have sex. When him and the girl was done. The girl drove off. My step-father told me to get in the truck. I got back in the truck with him, and we went to the house.
My mom was at work, so she wouldn't be back home 'till the next day. I did what I always did when I got home from school. I took off my socks and stockings. I turned on the TV in my room and I played with my toys. A few hours later I started to smell alcohol. I wanted to know where the smell came from, so I followed the smell. I could see the smell was coming from the living room. It was my step-father. He was drinking. He had empty bottles beside his reclining chair. I saw this from peaking around the corner. He saw me, so I ran into my room.
I started playing with my toys again. My step-father was at my bedroom door. He looked angry. His eyes were red. He was staring at me, as if I did sonething wrong. He yelled, "what did you tell her". I didn't understand what he was saying, so I didn't say anything
He asked me again "what did you tell her"
I responded "I didn't say anything" He took off his belt and told me to take my clothes off. My step-father was sexually abusing me many times before this happened. I knew that he was going to hurt me again. I told him "No, I don't want to"
He came rushing towards me as if he was going to hit me. So, I quickly pulled my skirt down. Then, my underwear. As I was pulling down my underwear. My step-father quickly picked me up and roughly threw me on the bed.
Everything was happening fast. When I was thrown to the middle of the bed, I was then dragged to the end of the bed. My legs were hanging off the end of the bed, I couldn't pick up my legs up fast enough to move. My step-father put his body on top of mine. He pinned me down to the bed. I fought. I kicked, I screamed. I couldn't get him off of me. He told me It'll hurt just a little, it would be over soon, and that I should be still. I fought so much my body was tierd of kicking and fighting. I stoped moving. He unzipped his pants and he pushed my head up, to the point where I could only see the ceiling. I thought it wouldn't hurt. I was wrong. He started to push himself against me harder. His chest was on my chest. I couldn't breathe. His hands were tight around my wrists. I screamed and cried. I was in so much pain. I told him to stop. And I couldn't see below me, I felt he was inside me. I screamed louder. I told him to get off of me, but he wouldn't stop. I kicked and kicked higher, until I kicked him in the face. I kicked his face so hard, he got off of me. All I could feel was a throbbing pain all over my body. He grabbed his belt and started to hit me with it. He didn't care where. I was hit across my face over and over with a belt. If I tried to run, he'd hit me again and again until I couldn't move. He left me on the bed, with my lower half if my body naked. My step-father left the room. A few minutes later he'd told me to get up. Even though my body was in so much pain, I got up. He started to throw a TV at me, he called me stupid and a b****. He told me to get on my knees and I did. He grabbed my face tightly and said to me "If you say anything I'll do it again". I was 14 when I told my mom and my dad I was being touched. I didn't say to my parents in detail what happened. I went to the authorities about what happened. The detective was making sure my stepfather had no sex offender charges. Him and my stepfather knew each other and the detective said he couldn't help me. Even though my stepfather went inside me, I was told I wasn't raped because my hymen was still intact.
@strawberry1waffles
its definately abuse , how old are you now and how does that memory affect your life now?
@Skansly
My memories of sexual abuse are slowly surfacing, and I realize that I've gone through a lot more than I thought. The fact that I didn't tell my parents everything that happened to me sometimes makes me feel like I can't talk to them about the abuse or how I feel about the abuse.
@Skansly I'm 18
@strawberry1waffles,
Hey there, I read your post. This was definitely a rape. It's is disheartening and annoying to know that he got away with it. I know it's a damn hard to be open about it hear. I am proud of you. This is a feat in and of itself!!! This is tough. Confusion, shame , fear , anger , disappointment all of at once might be taking a toll. I am so much happy that you have come here. You know we can't solve your issues. But if you allow me or any other suitable listner of your choice, we will stand by you while you go through your tough days. And I can't stress this enough, none of this is your fault. More memories may resurface, it might partially seem like you are going through it again. Please know that you are worthy and strong enough to face it. Above all you are not alone
@strawberry1waffles,
Also I am listing a few resources that might help you. Remember that this is just a few resources. You are an expert on your own life . You are in control about whether to look into it or not
RAINN: This is an online national hotline that can be called 24/7 . In addition they offer an online chat which can be given as an additional resource for help.(we are definitely here for you when you need us. I am simply stating this so you can look into it if you ever need a more expert assistance)
1-800-656-HOPE(4673)
JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION:
https://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/learn?gclid=
We have self help guides at cups on SA , it's been helpful for many here. If you think it will help , check that out. I might help you improve your outlook and coping skills.
@strawberry1waffles
Sorry to hear what you went through I've gone through same as well if you would like to xhat I'm here for you
Sending hugs