TW! TW! TW! I feel crazy!!
Im so lost. I feel insane. TW! Ill try to keep it as simple as possible.
I have extensive history of sexual abuse trauma. Starting at 4y/o. Ive gone through years of trauma therapy, residential treatment, detox 3x & rehab 2x. I have been diagnosed with: complex PTSD; Depersonalization /Derealization disorder; anxiety; severe depressive disorder; & drug dependency. Triggers occasionally cause symptoms now, But not like what it use to be. Thats a very generic back story to better understand the now.
My boyfriend & i have been together for 18mos. He knows my history. 3 nights ago we argued & he was angry w/ me. He wanted sex before bed, which I consented to. But it was different than any other time. He was rough. Slapping me. Correcting me about the argument. After a short time, he decided that he wanted anal intercourse. No warning, no warm up, very aggressive, very rough. I told him he was hurting me, said stop, no, even tried pushing him off. He said "i didnt say you get to speak to me!" Then got on my legs & held my hands behind my back so i couldnt move. I cried & begged for him to stop. He didn't. This caused flashbacks & detachment from reality. When i asked him why the next day, he said he didn't know he hurt me. That he didn't hear me. He did it out of love, & thought i wanted it. Said I never told him to stop, & i need to stop making him feel bad. He denies it all & thinks I'm unfair to question the relationship. I feel like i don't know whats real
@TakeMe2TheMoon He's absolutely not making any good to you, nor this relationship. It's destroying you.
@CreativeBerry94
I can't even look him in the eyes anymore. I've not slept more than 4 hours sense then. I have nightmares of it. My days don't feel real anymore. I struggle to stay grounded, and have been getting super intense urges to use. I've been questioning my own sanity all day. As he tells me that he loves me and would never do something like that to me.. Saying he doesn't know why I felt all that happened to me but he will help me work through it..
Ive played it in my head over and over and over. I know that it was real. I know it happened and I'm not crazy. Because he responded to me when i told him to stop, when i told him he was hurting me. That's when he told me that he didn't say i could talk to him. So he did hear me. He just didn't care. And now wants to get out of it by acting like it was me that messed up.
I'm sorry for such a long response. My head is just so messed up now.
I appreciate you taking your time to read my post. Thank you, for hearing me.
@TakeMe2TheMoon
Run, Run away from this relatiionship and from him
All abusers say they are doing it out of love, thats how they try to alter our reality, they will try to force thier point of view on you, not only is he try to condition you according to his will, but seriously gaslighting you to the point where you are doubting your own sanity.
There is no second thought to it, what he did is absolutely wrong and hurtful to you, he victimized you even after knoing your past. You are RIGHT, you dont need to question yourself.
This is not even a relationship......You are being victimized here.
Save yourself.....save yourself form this toxicity..
Only you can save yourself......Run away from it all..
