The Media

Even though it's already stated in the forum title, I'll say it again (we've got to look out for one another!)... *trigger warning*

I have had a number of experiences with sexual harassment, and I've also experienced sexual assault on more than one occasion. The first time I was assaulted I was a teenager. It happened at a party. After the fact, I tried to confide in friends who in turn told me I was most likely imagining it differently, exaggerating, or all together lying. It was such a horrible feeling; knowing what happened to me and having no one believe me. It began to take its toll on me and eventually I started to bury it and even tried to convince myself that they were right; maybe I really was exaggerating or remembering things differently because I had been drinking after all.

As the years went by and I had more experiences with harassment (and another assault), the memories I had buried so deeply and for so long began working their way to the surface. It seemed like everything became a trigger; hearing the same name as the person who raped me, someone grabbing my wrist, the smell of beer, the way someone talked, being alone in a room with someone of the same sex as the rapist, even seeing someone with a smile that had a gap between the front two teeth could send me into a panic attack.

I started to confront what I was feeling, and started to come to terms with the fact that I had indeed been raped, on top of the other experiences I had). I thought I was starting to overcome things; I no longer threw up or went into a panic attack at the smell of beer or seeing someone with a gap-toothed smile. I felt like, finally, I was beginning to heal.

But then over the last several years with the media attention following cases like Brock Turner, Larry Nassar, and now with the coverage of the Ford vs. Kavanaugh debate I'm finding myself struggling again. I try to avoid, as much as I can, listening to the debates between news stations, friends, and even family but it feels like I can't escape it. I am glad that this issue is finally getting the attention it needs and I'm beyond thrilled by the empowerment among survivors that the #metoo movement enabled or encouraged; it has made a huge impact. But especially now with all the controversy, I feel completely overwhelmed and unsure of how to deal.