Time to confess
I was eight when it first happened. I went to my babysitter's home like I did most days after school, but unlike other times, her grandchild was there. I had spent time with sam before, but this time was different. This time my babysitter wasn't feeling well and decided to take a nap and left Sam and I alone to play. But playing dolls is not what Sam had in mind. Sam wanted something else, Sam kissed me and like any girl at eight would do. I freaked out. But Sam convinced me that it was ok, that if I didn't stop my mom would become aware of what is going on, and she'd stop loving me. So of course I just stood quite. The kissing continued, and then a hand gliding up my thigh, and then further up. I never thought a fifteen year old would never do anything to hurt me. But was I wrong. After Sam was done 'playing' with me. I noticed I couldn't walk, it hurt so bad. I needed my mom to come get me, but of course Sam convinced me that if I said anything she'd want to get rid of me. So I kept quite. But all this managed to do, was make an eight year old think she wasn't worth anything, make her believe God hated her, see herself as broken, hate herself, and lastly made her believe sometimes that life wasn't worth living. I decided I needed to talk about it because I'm so tired of crying, and not feeling like I belong anywhere.
@Damagedgirl0209
That must have been a very traumatic experience for you, and I hear that living with that memory has been difficult, understandably so. Speaking to the police may be one option as mentioned by ilynell. What Sam did was criminal. But you don't have to do that if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
It's important for you to understand this was not your fault. Any feelings of guilt, blame, self loathing or shame that you've held on to about this incident, are not yours to carry. Sam is the one who did wrong, he's the one who should be ashamed and guilty, not you. You are an innocent victim. But you're also a survivor.
It's so heartening that you've decided you wish to share this experience, to talk about it. Often those things that are hardest to talk about, are the things we really do need to let out. I wonder if you have a counsellor you could see to explore those feelings of self hate. You have nothing to hate yourself for, but actually coming to believe that may take you time. I really hope you can find the support you need to work through those feelings.
If ever you wanted to chat with me, I would be happy to listen, and to hold your hand as you worked through your feelings. You're not alone sweetheart.
@DeborahUK thank you so much for your words. It truly meant a lot to me.