*Trigger Warning* THIS IS MY STORY
Hi... I just need to get this off my chest somehow cause it's killing me slowly...
I am being sexually abused by my stepdad since I can remember...
I can still remember the first time it happened, it was a Saturday night so my mom went to the supermarket with my older brother to get some snacks for us to eat, they didn't take me cause he was there. I was in the living room and he was in his bedroom laying on the bed when he called me, so I went, he lifted me up placing me on top of him with my legs wide open right under his... u know (I can't even say it f*ck). Sooo he started moving me back and forth and said to me: "this will be our little secret, don't you dare tell your momma or anyone, okay?" And I as a 5 year old I just nodded.
F*CK HIM!!! I'm so sorry, it's just that I'm so pissed off, but I still can't manage to make him stop... today he did it again right this moment and I couldn't find the strength to move... I-I I can't okay, I'm not strong enough, and I feel so stupid and sooo aghhh.
I can't f*cking do this anymore, he is killing me every time he does it... and I can't tell my mom or anyone because he knows that without him we are over... and I can't tell anyone else; I have no one to talk this with and this is also killing me.
I'm 19 years old and I am stupid and weak for not stepping the hell up!!! I feel terrible for my younger brother cause it's his dad, what am I gonna tell him if I speak up? "Hey lil' bro your dad's a rapist" NOOO!! I can't do this. I just can't...
Hey I am SO SORRY this happened to you and is still happening. I was raped from when I was 10 until I was 17 by my older brother and believe me when I tell you, it tells nothing of your strength, your courage, your amazing self and your person. Nothing. You are AMAZING and SPECIAL. Also I forgot everything as a defense mechanism. I have yet to tell any of my immediate family and I'm 26...
What you are going through is sexual abuse and abuse is horrible and paralyzing to anyone (even smaller abuse). You are amazingly strong for writing this here and we are here for you. Shame is normal when you are/have been abused. But it is a perception. You are amazingly strong for just writing here.
But first things first, telling is extremely hard but getting out is possible. My brother just decided to "date" someone else so he stayed away (after all these years of nightmare). But can we help you get away from this situation?
@HenrietteK I'm sorry it happen to you too... thank you so much for the support.
Thank you all for the helpful replies and @KikiD214 Don't blame yourself for someone else's wrongdoing and it's okay to be scared. stay strong, you're not alone and if you need anyone to talk to I'm here
@Dofly thanks for that a lot, really, and I'll keep that in mind.
Thanks to everyone, for all your kind and supportive words, they mean A LOT to me, believe me...
Sorry for responding to all your comments a bit late... it's just well, hard, as some may know... anyway, THANKS, really, from the bottom line f my heart
Hi, it’s me again… its been quite a while since I last wrote down my feelings here…
I am currently looking for therapy (trying to find a therapist), which I must say it’s a big step for me, although I haven’t told anyone from my family about the abuse… I feel this (i.e. therapy) is the next step for my healing process: talking it out with someone.
I’ve taken this decision because over the last couple of years, I’ve seen how, dragging this issue has taken a toll on every single aspect of my life, and in order to gain back control over my life I need to address it… if I don’t, it’ll eat me alive, and it already is…
Yesterday I had an anxiety attack triggered by hearing out a 6 year old girl was abused and she was manifesting the signs of abuse (which I won’t mention to avoid further triggers)… and as I was listening to this I did my best not to show any sign that that had triggered me deeply… by the end of the day when I was home and alone in my bedroom, I started getting ready for bed and I felt exposed, naked, defenseless, helpless, with an uncontrollable need to cry and with an upcoming anxiety attack that I wasn’t able to control but had to act like I was okay and perfectly fine in front of my family; I got this sharp pain on my chest (more specifically in my heart) I was hyperventilating and feeling exposed even with clothes on and “managing” smiley faces, when I was finally able to go to bed and “sleep”, I laid in my bed while listening to my comfort playlist and just burst into tears, they were falling down my cheeks and the anxiety attack came back… I was feeling so bad that I couldn’t even reach my phone to write in here so I just curled up into a ball whimpering and trying not to wake up anyone… I felt helpless, angry, exhausted, exposed and I just wanted to die, I felt like I couldn’t actually overcome this and that the best thing would be to just end it… but then I prayed and that calmed me down until I finally fell asleep.
Yesterday was a difficult day, so today I decided to write it all in here… just to… let it out somehow…
So… I’m back… even though I wish I wasn’t… but there’s so much that has happened since the last time I was here… for starters the pandemic… those years were so difficult because even though no sexual abuse was done, emotional abuse was definitely committed, and not just to me… to everyone in my family… and by whom you might wonder, well… by the same horrible “human being” that traumatized to the extent of feeling sorry for him when he’s sick or when he doesn’t know how to maintain our “family”.
It’s disgusting to feel like that after every si hole thing he’s done to everyone in my family: my mom, my brothers and me!!! I shouldn’t be saying this but I do hate him! I hate him!! I-I-I… *sigh* I can’t live this lie anymore… my whole life has been a lie… I still keep his secret and what for?? He shouldn’t be anywhere near any of us (i.e. my mom, my brothers and me).
I’m sure that if I talk right now… right now if I open my mouth he’s gonna try to deny it… make everyone think that I’m making things up because I don’t “love him” because I’m such an “ungrateful daughter” if I confront him that’s what he’s gonna tell me. I almost confronted him this weekend… we were by ourselves in the house (yeah, I know… big mistake, but it’s not like being with my brothers or my mom has ever stopped him from abusing me) so, we were having lunch and he said “can I ask you a question?” And I said “yeah, sure “dad”…” (I knew what he was gonna ask and I hate that I can’t even look at him in the eyes… makes me feel so weak and vulnerable… like I’m that little girl all over again… it breaks my heart that I can’t protect her… that I’m weak) and he asked “do you have a problem with me?” And I’m like “what? No, what are you talking about?” And he goes “well, I feel that you’re cold towards me… and you’ve distanced yourself from me… it’s like you don’t want to be near me…” (manipulative words that he has used before but I don’t let them affect me like before) and all the while I was answering the way I wanted to but in my head… and the only thing I said was “no “dad” nothing’s wrong” and he got up from the table and went to sleep and after he left I felt I could breath again. I wish I could’ve told him “don’t you think abusing your adoptive daughter would make her act that way?? You monster!!” But no, I didn’t… actually I couldn’t because I wasn’t thinking about myself in that moment… I was thinking about my mom… since last year by the end of this month she was diagnosed with leukemia *sigh* she’s only 50 years old… and she has a type of blood cancer… the “good thing” (“” I write with this because there’s nothing good about cancer…) is that the stage they discovered it’s in, she doesn’t need chemo or radiation or a bone marrow transplant… she just needs to take 1 pill everyday for the rest of her life… otherwise if she stops taking it the cancer will advance and she’ll die; so she was the reason why I didn’t tell this monster anything, even though I really wanted to.
I’m sure that if I talk right now… right now if I open my mouth he’s gonna try to deny it… make everyone think that I’m making things up because I don’t “love him” because I’m such an “ungrateful daughter” if I confront him that’s what he’s gonna tell me. I almost confronted him this weekend… we were by ourselves in the house (yeah, I know… big mistake, but it’s not like being with my brothers or my mom has ever stopped him from abusing me) so, we were having lunch and he said “can I ask you a question?” And I said “yeah, sure “dad”…” (I knew what he was gonna ask and I hate that I can’t even look at him in the eyes… makes me feel so weak and vulnerable… like I’m that little girl all over again… it breaks my heart that I can’t protect her… that I’m weak) and he asked “do you have a problem with me?” And I’m like “what? No, what are you talking about?” And he goes “well, I feel that you’re cold towards me… and you’ve distanced yourself from me… it’s like you don’t want to be near me…” (manipulative words that he has used before but I don’t let them affect me like before) and all the while I was answering the way I wanted to but in my head… and the only thing I said was “no “dad” nothing’s wrong” and he got up from the table and went to sleep and after he left I felt I could breath again. I wish I could’ve told him “don’t you think abusing your adoptive daughter would make her act that way?? You monster!!” But no, I didn’t… actually I couldn’t because I wasn’t thinking about myself in that moment… I was thinking about my mom… since last year by the end of this month she was diagnosed with leukemia *sigh* she’s only 50 years old… and she has a type of blood cancer… the “good thing” (“” I write with this because there’s nothing good about cancer…) is that the stage they discovered it’s in, she doesn’t need chemo or radiation or a bone marrow transplant… she just needs to take 1 pill everyday for the rest of her life… otherwise if she stops taking it the cancer will advance and she’ll die; so she was the reason why I didn’t tell this monster anything, even though I really wanted to.
This thing posted by mistake and there’s a paragraph that’s doubled…
anyways, in with this journal…
After that he called me to his and my mom’s room, he was laying down on the bed and I was by the door, he told me to get closer, which I did but not to the point where he could touch me… still he could grab my hand without having time to react and he sat me on the bed next to him… yes, to try and manipulate me again… this time his words were: “I feel like you don’t love me anymore… I feel that you’re not showing any affection towards me… what’s wrong?” (Him playing the victim as always) and I was not feeling so well because all that while he was grabbing my hand trying to pull me towards him and have me laying down beside him… I was sweating, my heart rate was going up so all I could manage out of my mouth (even though my head was telling me to confront him once and for all… tell him that his “daughter” the one he convinced my mom that he loved like a father… was tired of “showing him love” in his twisted and sick way… that she just wanted a father but he was never one to her… he’s an abused and he should be
Ashamed of what he has done to me because I know that his parents and his entire family would be ashamed of him and would t want to know anything about him because of how much he hurt me… how much he hurt a defenseless little girl who was supposed to be taken care of not taken advantage of… but I couldn’t because of my mom and my brothers) so I just said nothing, released my hand from his and left the room… trying so hard not to cry in front of him, trying not to show vulnerability… protecting that little girl…
And today… well I decided to write down all of this because I hate that every time he scolds me or he yells at me… I just start crying… I wish in those moments I could just tell him off and end everything… but I can’t…
The only person that knows about the abuse is my bf and he just knows that I was sexually abused as a child… I haven’t really told him who did it and for how long… I’m not sure if I should because he hasn’t really asked me much about it, even though I want to talk about it with him… I don’t know what to do, so if anyone can give me an advise on that… I would really appreciate it.
I’m almost falling asleep… so I guess that’s it for now.
Thnx ❤️🩹🥺
