Triggered by Trauma

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault and Rape

Years ago I was sexually assaulted in the back of my moms car. I was on the way home with my “boyfriend”, we weren’t ever really together. He kept pushing his hands inside my leggings and wouldn’t stop even after I said no, even after I said stop, even after I pushed his hand away. I finally sat up and he stopped touching me but then wanted me to touch him. I jerked my hand away and he didn’t do anything till we got to my house. We were fooling around kissing here and there and talking. He kept wanting to have sex with me, so we could lose our virginity to each other. I didn’t want to at all. I said no and he kept asking and asking and I felt so guilty and so pressured. Why wouldn’t he take no for an answer? Why wasn’t it enough? I was bent over, face buried into my old year books to block out what was about to happen. He said he wanted to have sex and I said okay and he went in me, I guess. I didn’t feel anything he did to me. I never felt movements of him going in or out. I just laid there, bent over blocking it all out and just going along because I have no clue how to say no. When he finished, he finished on my face. He came right across it and destroyed ever bit of self worth I had left. I cried and cried. I went and showered after he left and cried in there. I felt absolutely disgusting and to make it worse, he recorded the whole thing and I never knew. He showed it to his friends too apparently.

He pressured, manipulated, and guilted me into all of that. I never wanted to have sex with him, but I never said no. I just said okay. I still struggle 5 years later with all of this because it wasn’t till last year that I realized what actually happened to me.

What brought all of this trauma back up is a boy I love and I being very touchy with each other. We were in the back of his car and he was fingering me and when we stopped and I got home, I felt violated. I felt so gross but I didn’t know why. I asked for him to do it, I begged for it, we both gave consent for it. I later realized after talking with my friend that it was trauma from what happened 5 years ago. I know face the question, do I need therapy or is there something wrong with me, why am I not better after all this time?

I don’t know what to do, but thank you for reading Or listening.