Unable to change
**Don't read if you get triggered **sexual assault **
I'm currently 28, I was 7 when I was raped in a hospital after a car crash accident. I'm more or less okay mentally with myself, I've accepted what happened and I've kind of learned to live with it. One thing I'm struggling with a lot is... I want to have a family. I've never been in a relationship, I've never been intimate with anyone. My way of "being okay with it" was to close myself off from most of the world. I never partied, I never went "out", I keep to myself and I don't know a lot of people.
I don't know how or where or when to even start. My sister has 2 kids and I love them to death, but I'm afraid and scared that I'll never have a family of my own, that I'll never move on in a way to allow myself to get close to someone, that I'll never be able to allow my self to be vulnerable.
How did you (those that have families) move on? How did you allow yourself to trust someone?
That is an excellent question.... trusting someone. ?!?!?
I'm so sorry about what you've dealt with and you are a beautiful survivor ....
I faked my way through life had a job, family, ppl around, etc. But I never actually emotionally connected with another human. It's a really lonely place to be and it took a terrible toll on me. I started therapy a couple years ago trying to wade through and deal with my traumatic past. My list is long of abuses I've dealt with since age 2.
Therapy has definitely helped me as I was suicidall for awhile. Meds, therapy and just trying to trust the right people ....this is what I'm doing now after decades of pretending to be perfect.
I hope my post helps, you're not alone and I pray for peace every day.
Best ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92
Thank you for replying!
I'm really sorry for what you are going through I really hope it gets better.
I've never had suicidal thoughts, well once and never again, that's the part of my brain that's the strongest. The first time I got to those thoughts I just concluded that I'm not the one who shouldn't be living, I'm not the one who should spend time thinking about what "I've" done, it's not my burden to carry. From that point on I was okay with causes, but consequences... well that's another thing.
My life is my game and I'm determined to win my own game but unimaginably scared of what will or could happen if I start to take down the walls I've built around myself in order to change things for me to have the future that I want.
I've packed certain feelings so good and so deep that I'm not sure how they feel if I start unpacking them now. I know what they are, I can run a course describing them but I've pushed the memory of feeling them so deep that I'm not sure what will happen, and that scares me. And after all the I still have to allow myself to trust someone.
If I wanna achieve my goals there's a Sisyphus task ahead of me.
I'm happy to help even if in a small way...
I totally get it.
My trauma stayed packed up for many decades. But several traumas came together all at once a couple years ago and my childhood abuser died. This situation blew the lid off my wall so to speak. I wish I'd got into therapy way back it could have made my choices different, better.
I long for a connection with another person on a really deep level. I'm trying to change this ....I've been working on it. I feel that if you keep pushing the trauma down eventually it bubbles up later on and it feels out of control.
It was incredibly scary facing all of my stuff but I had to do it in order to be able to live my life without fear, to be connected. I'm still sifting through it all.
Be good to yourself, go easy, your a really strong person.
I made a list of things I want to accomplish now that I've brought my wall down somewhat. Its a long list but I'm crossing them off as I go and it's not a bucket list thing it's a hey I matter I'm good and I deserve to be happy thing. It's not material things it's action things. Stuff I never did that I should have. I guess it's never too late right?!
Best ABB 💜