Want to Be a Supportive Boyfriend for My Traumatized Crush
Hi, I’m 14 and I’m dating my crush, J. She’s been through some really hard stuff, including trauma and sexual experiences that weren’t her choice. Her parents won’t let her go to therapy, so she doesn’t have professional support.
I want to be a good boyfriend: respect her boundaries, listen without trying to “fix” everything, manage my ADHD impulses so I don’t act impulsively, and grow in the relationship without obsessing over whether she notices my glow-up.
I’m looking for advice on how to support her in a healthy way while also managing my own feelings and impulses.
@ambitiousIdea706 I've never been through what J has, but my advice is to really pay attention to her, notice little things that bother her that you might not have even realized you were doing and if she needs to talk, don't pressure her but make sure she knows you're more than willing to listen. Also, I know this is a problem in most relationships, so when she does talk to you, do your best to not offer solutions or advice unless she asks for it or she might feel like you're trying to 'fix' her (Or you could ask her if she wants your opinion/advice or f she just wants you to listen)
But it's much more complicated than I figured out
Her parents are the best and she says she not safe with her grandparents idk 😐
That’s very thoughtful and self aware of you. You’re already in the right direction of being a good boyfriend.
Respecting boundaries can seem simple-but they’re not always obvious. Please give yourself some grace when you do cross a boundary. I say when because it’s not a matter of “if”, everyone has boundaries and they all look different. My boundary may not look like yours, so I may accidentally cross it without meaning to. It’s going to happen and that’s okay-it’s part of understanding and learning. We can’t learn without making mistakes.
She may have boundaries she is not even conscious of (as someone who was SA, a lot get repressed) . You can ask her if she has any known boundaries, but be more vigilant on her reactions to certain actions.
When Listening, whether it’s in person/phone call or text, when she’s talking to you don’t have an answer ready. I had to learn this myself, sometimes we think we’re listening when we’re just hearing what we think—or we’re waiting to answer hearing them but not listening. Allow space for pauses after talks, you don’t have to have something to say (if she asks for any feedback, advice etc) immediately.
I unfortunately don’t have an ADHD diagnosis to give advice for when it comes to strong impulses, but allow grace for yourself.
I can tell you are very thoughtful and care for J, make sure to stay true to yourself. No one is a perfect boyfriend, and relationship dynamics are a learning curve. It’s nice to know you care deeply about her, make sure you’re also meeting your needs as well.
I wish the best for you two :)
I told her she doesn't need to please me.I'm gonna love her no matter what
