independentSquare8024 Member Profile

Needing Support with Choosing Myself

Relationship Stress / by independentSquare8024

December 21st, 2025

...See more I was in a relationship with my ex for two years. We just recently celebrated it in November. To make a long story short—the relationship for me died from a thousand paper cuts. He wasn’t a cruel man, malicious or even mean. However his patterns and behaviors of being self centered and avoiding growth turned the relationship sour for me. It had gotten to the point I was finding more enjoyment away from him than with him. My intuition saw it, but I still hoped. Unfortunately the timing of this breakup was truly just awful all around. Right before Christmas, right before the death anniversary of his mother, right before the new year. I wanted to wait till the new year to do this, that is until he asked me what was wrong. To backtrack: a few days ago I had opened up to him about how I felt dismissed by something he had said to me. I came up gently and softly, only to be hit with once again a justification for his actions and words. And the being told he’s consulted for those conversations and it needs a therapist not me coming to him. This was based off of me finding a misogynistic comment my father left on a random *** post I saw and how it was truly upsetting. I shower him, he brushed it off, like usual. When I opened up he literally said on the phone call he just see things as problems and fixes them. I asked him if he could show more empathy in those moments, to be met with that is his empathy, and anything other than that wouldn’t be him being genuine. It unfortunately went down a rabbit hole, and it finally clicked in my head that I had enough. I knew my best friend didn’t like him either, and I should’ve trusted my gut and hers. Unfortunately since then he has further proven him and I just are not in the same places in life for us to work out together in a relationship. Telling me throwing away 2 years. It was a waste. If I love him I’d give him another chance, basically grasping at any straws I could give him. I love him. I really do, which is why this is probably the hardest breakup I’ve had to do at 23. I’ve left abusive relationships that have felt easier. But this one, it was one catosrophic thing. It was small things over time that just kept happening no matter how many times I cried and begged for change. I was trying to make him change to be someone I wanted in my relationship, not accepting who he is in our relationship. He deserves someone that makes him feel enough, and he’s felt as though he’s not enough—which is more a reason for me to leave. That’s not fair to him, and it hurts how much I still love him. I was slowly becoming indifferent, and I didn’t want to do that to him. After being in relationships back and forth since I was 12, I truly chose myself this time. I’m proud, but I feel truly guilty and I find myself doing a lot of self blame. This is so hard, but it needed to happen. I know it gets better and I plan on this coming year staying single and discovering myself again. I guess I just am looking for insight, validation, or maybe I’m just getting my pain out there. I love him dearly, and it hurts me so much to hurt him doing this.

Disorganized Attachment

Relationship Stress / by independentSquare8024

November 25th, 2025

...See more Hi there! For the longest time I always thought that I had an anxious attachment style. However after taking multiple free online tests I’ve had the same result: Fearful-Avoidant / Disorganized. Now after doing a bunch of research as to what it is and the subtypes, I feel like I’m starting all over again. I feel that Oscillating Disorganized strongly represents how I am—and it seems to only affect my romantic relationships. My father was someone that I feared and longed for. I had a mother I craved attention to but wasn’t given much attention due to my sibling diagnosed with Autism in a time it still wasn’t diagnosed or studied as well as today. I guess I just, don’t know what to do with this knowledge. I don’t even know where to begin with how to approach repairing my attachment style with this information. And I also feel a sense of grievance towards my younger self. Had my parents given me consistent love without inflicting fear and nurture interchangeably I wouldn’t be sitting here realizing how much that affected a lot of my romantic relationships. I know it’s my responsibility now to repair this, but damn am I mad it even became my problem now.

Our differences

Relationship Stress / by independentSquare8024

July 14th, 2025

...See more Hi there, im not really sure if im asking of anything or just venting, im just left a little hurt and lost. My partner and I are on different stances when it comes to forgiveness. I seem to not forgive as much as I should, while he is overly forgiving. This has created a conflict in our relationship. I truly admire how empathetic he is and how forgiving he has become, but it’s to the point it’s worse for him than anything. He will forgive someone and still let whoever hurt him-have full access to him again instead of him creating boundaries or distance after forgiving said person. He quite literally accepts that he is a doormat and sees nothing wrong with it, and criticized how I don’t forgive enough. He wants me to support him with his forgiveness but I just can’t to that degree, that goes against my own morals. I’m watching my partner get manipulated, taken advantage of and hurt over and over again and I’m just supposed to be okay with that? I made a comment that I’m unsure if it was the right thing. With these people that hurt him he comes to me and vents about it, but after he told me he’s going to continue to forgive them—I said I didn’t want to hear him complain to me about those people anymore. It’s incredibly irritating for me to have someone complain and do little to nothing about it just to end up in the cycle over and over again. With his empathy, if you want to complain to him about someone who hurt you, he will give the ‘antagonist’ more empathy before acknowledging and giving you empathy. It’s hurt me quite a lot-it becomes invalidating.. I just feel hurt, he says he feels like he lost a teammate. I feel like I just did too.. [http://teammate.im]

Crossing Boundaries

Relationship Stress / by independentSquare8024

March 19th, 2025

...See more First off, I am aware that couples will overstep and even cross boundaries—we are human and make mistakes. I’m new to understanding and creating boundaries myself—mostly struggling with “what do I do after a boundary as been crossed” essentially—I am redoing and updating a resume so I can find other opportunities. My boyfriend offered some help which I accepted—I asked him for advice and tips that would improve my resume. However he had a different idea of “helping” me—he wanted to do it himself i respectfully declined saying that i wanted to make my own resume, but im more than happy to take advice for help. This somehow became an argument. He kept pushing and questioning me as to why I didn’t want him to—I simply said “because it’s something I want to do and need to do as an adult—I can’t rely on other people to do adult things for me, especially when it comes to important things like resumes, taxes, medical paperwork etc.” This continued into an argument until I sternly said “I am going to do my resume myself—I will still take advice but I am going to do it myself”. This lead to him hanging up on me. later that evening he continued to say how he didn’t understand—so I just texted the same thing again. I was just repeating myself bc he wasn’t listening to me. He just replied with an “ok” and didn’t message me for the rest of that evening. Forwarding the next morning he’s acting like nothing happened—while im still left feeling frustrated, hurt and confused about the whole situation. I was expecting an apology to be honest bc—what the heck was all of that?? i addressed to him that morning that I was still upset about the previous night and was expecting an apology. He did apologize-but then proceeded to justify his actions and say “people literally pay to get their resumes done why won’t you let me do it? You’re questioning my intelligence and schooling for this and that’s hurting me”. At this point i want to explode—but I simply acknowledge his hurt, but not letting him justify his actions. I ask him “Why does it matter to you so much? Why do you need to have so much control over a resume that’s not yours? You need to respect my choice—I do not want my resume made for me” Here’s the issue—later that day (we work at the same job different departments) after work is over I get into my car and what’s inside my car and emailed to me? A resume. With my name, my information, my job histories, descriptions, skills, everything. I am livid. Before I even get a chance to message him he writes “don’t be mad at me for making you this I started this yesterday”. WTF. I know he was coming from a place of love and good intentions wanting to help me and wanting to make it for me bc I’ve been having a very stressful week. However I addressed a boundary and even expressed how I wanted help—not that he could help me how he wanted to. I express that to him, and say that he crossed a boundary and it’s not okay. What happens? Well—he tries justifying his actions, questioning my reasoning for my boundary then begins to victimize himself saying “I don’t do anything right, im the enemy, I get it if you hate me” the list went on. I didn’t engage and was emotionally spent. I told him “I’m not attending this pity party of yours. All I wanted here was accountability not deflection for my boundary being crossed”. Was that something I should’ve said—probably not. At this point I was over it. I had finally made a stern boundary that I did not bend, it was crossed, and im here being questioned for having said boundary. He kept trying to justify and to have me act like it didn’t happen I can throw it away if I don’t like it. I told him it’s a dealbreaker at this point (we have had a lot of issues before in our relationship when it comes to accountability). He then profusely apologized and said “if I knew it was this big of a deal I wouldn’t have done it”. honestly, im not sure what to do after. What do I do after my boundary has been crossed? I didn’t accept his apology—they weren’t good apologies to begin with and him saying “my bad” is a good enough apology in his eyes. I addressed that in uneasy for future conflicts where my boundary is crossed—this all over a resume? I’m worried for a conflict where’s it’s on something significant. Idk if im asking a question or just venting, but im still left feeling so upset bc a part of me feels like that problem never got resolved bc he only “genuinely” apologized once the relationship was threatened.

Shame of Abandoning your Dream Art

Arts & Crafts / by independentSquare8024

January 24th, 2025

...See more Hello! I’m new here, but I’ve been dealing with a lot of frustration and disappointment in myself about the art hobby i had that i wanted to develop into my dream job I do Taxidermy—and as i know it can be a controversial topic i am not asking for the opinions on the art. While i respect others views on it—that’s not the reason im putting it in this forum. i went to school almost 4 years ago for Taxidermy, and it was one of the few arts that just clicked for me and i did exceptionally well for a newbie. It lifted my ego and made me feel more confident in pursuing it as a career. i understand that i need to do way more practice work before i even considered a business, but ive practically abandoned it entirely. After coming home being away for school, i took on a 7-3 factory job and next thing i know ive been there for 3 years and have done nothing for my taxidermy. I had spent so much money on the equipment for it—and have it just collect dust. i feel betrayed by myself, as if I’ve done a huge disservice to my future self for my dream. Unfortunately i just don’t have the extra time (it is a time consuming art) to commit to it, and im robbing myself years of experience and practice I could’ve made already. It’s truly heartbreaking for me. I feel im failing myself and falling into the societal trap of working to death and abandoning your dreams. It’s not what I want for myself…

Hyprocrisy and Listening

Relationship Stress / by independentSquare8024

January 19th, 2025

...See more My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half now, and we keep circling back to the same issues. my boyfriend seems like he cannot handle other people’s emotions, if they want to vent to him or just share their day when it’s negative he wants no part in it. The hypocrisy in this is he will vent and complain about his life entirely. I have confronted him for this, and it always turns him into saying “I’m always the bad guy” or “I won’t tell you anything again then”. His reaction becomes extreme, and says I am always attacking him when I feel as though im not. I’m addressing a problem in the relationship. i truly do not understand the “I feel” approach. If my partner has hurt my feelings or neglected something in the relationship, why is saying “You doing X made me feel terrible” or “You not doing X makes it feel like I have to take the responsibility of it when it’s not mine to bear”. It’s cause an affect. But it’s every time, and the “I feel” approach sounds like I have to gentle parent my adult partner. He is almost 27 and im not even 23, that idea is really uncomfortable for me especially since he is older and should be more mature than I. he has expressed he’s not good at relationships but refuses to get advice, do research or therapy to even understand how relationships work. He has told me that me even asking him is not okay, and he should want to go to therapy for himself not for me. It’s disappointing and disheartening. when him and I have our venting moments im left feeling unheard entirely even tho he promises he’s listening. I’ll talk about something that bothered me (unrelated to our relationship), he will reply with “oh that sucks” and then proceed to start a conversation he’s more interested in. He doesn’t show interest into my day or ask open ended questions so I can talk through my venting. His reasoning is bc it’s his ADHD and just keep telling him to pay attention to me…why is that my responsibility?? He’s not on medication, and has no interest in taking any. But im now supposed to be responsible for him wanting to pay attention to me?? I have repeated to him multiple times: if you do not want to do the work in the relationship that’s okay—you need to tell me now. He always says he will but he never follows through his word. He wants me to call him out when he does, but then gets defensive when I do. It’s like everything he says contradicts itself. Even when we argues last night he interrupted me, I said “im not done-please don’t interrupt”. He became defensive and said “I literally talked for 30 seconds” when in the past he has told me to let him know he has interrupted me. im at a loss as what to do. It’s incredibly frustrating that my partner (who has gone to therapy, but for grievance not relationship wise) will use therapy words and therapy tools but apply them to the wrong things. I even asked him “do you think the tools in your toolbox aren’t the correct ones you need for the current project infront of you?”. He just says he agrees but it’ll be fine. I know I need to make a decision on what is best for me, but I truly love and care for him, and it’s frustrating to see him constantly repeat a pattern over and over again.

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