Was I even raped?
I'm afraid my sexual abuse isn't valid, because it happened five years ago when I was a high school senior so what if my brain can't remember it clearly or making things up. The guy was a person I didn't clearly break our dating relationship off with but we agreed to be friends if we broke up so I thought he realized it was over but we could still hang out since we were friends for years. I know I remember pushing him off of me several times, but I didn't yell, and I didn't want the title of being a rape victim attached to me so I just laid there and let it happen three more times after that over the course of two years. I'm scared to tell my mother because I don't want her to be sad or upset. The guy that I currently date knows, and he tells me that no one will be upset with me. But I'm now coming to terms with the fact about being a victim, so I'm constantly thinking about this. I don't want to talk about it with him more cause I feel like I'm seeking validation and I feel like he might get annoyed even though I know he won't. I'm just constantly having breakdowns in the middle of the day about this, I'm so conflicted about this and it's making me wish I just kept this feeling hidden in a box like I did for the past five years.
@SimplePixie
I promise what happened to you is valid. I have no doubts that you're telling the truth. Just because your memory is fuzzy doesn't mean nothing happened or you don't have a right to feel awful about it. No amount of time will make your abuse any less valid.
You pushed him off and he kept going. This shows that knew you wanted him to stop yet he chose to hurt you. Revoking consent can be done in more ways than just verbally.
Some people hate the term victim and that's okay. It's okay if you don't like that label. What matters is you know that you have nothing to be ashamed of and you have done nothing wrong. You are not any of the bad things your brain or anyone else may tell you.
It makes sense that you may be having a flooding of memories and emotions after digging into what happened. That often happens when people start processing trauma. Sometimes it's our brain's way of trying to make sense of what happened so we can learn how to prevent it in the future. (There is no blame or way to prevent abuse, our brains sometimes think so though. What happened is not your fault.)
I do not have a good knowledge base on abuse, but there is a therapist named Kati Morton on YouTube who has many helpful videos on the topic. I will link a selection for you. I will also link a video on grounding techniques and how to handle flashbacks. Whether what you experience are really flashbacks I think these videos could help you in those moments you remember what happened.
I hope some of this helped and I didn't offend or trigger you. I'm sending caring thoughts and vibes your way.
Abuse/assault videos https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=kati+morton+assault
Grounding Techniques: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vckMPHaITA
Flashbacks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McCGiGPKPeo
