Which trauma is worse? The abuse itself or the fallout?
This is a concept I've wrestled a long time with. Years after my disclosure I found that although there were still triggers and lasting negative symptoms from the abuse itself (normally sexually), whenever I told my story... it didn't... hurt so bad anymore. Thinking about what had happened to me as a child; I suppose this was me accepting what had happened. I'm still angry at my abuser, I'm certain that I don't forgive. But I accepted what happened because it gave me beautiful insight into pain and I knew I could use my inside knowledge to help other people feel less alone and isolated. What happened was a tragedy but a tragedy I accepted.
Something however that still causes me pain is when I think about what happened after my disclosure. I am what I consider lucky in that I was believed when I told my family what happened. Before I disclosed I was terrified of all the unanswered questions of how my family would react. Would I be believed? Would they shun me? Would they attack my abuser?
What I wasn't ready for was for them to do nothing at all. They felt bad that they let me down, and then they buried their head in the sand. My parents continued to invite me to places where my abuser was, they continued to compliment him in my presence, they didn't obey my boundaries. My parents let me down once, and then when I gave them a chance to step up they let it pass them by. It was one thing for abuse to be happening in secret and them being too oblivious to know, it was another thing for them to finally see the truth and continue to not protect or respect me.
My boundaries became more extreme with them, I learned to not sugar coat a thing and continue to be very harsh about the abuse around them. I was very honest about how sick I was and why. Whenever they messed up I had to tell them we were back at step 1 again and not speak to them for months. This is what hurts more.That I give them chance after chance and they still don't get it. I will give them this, they do still want to be in my life and they are trying, but even ten years after all this boundary training, this summer I was working with at-risk youth and while speaking with them my father talked about when I was as a teenager and how nothing could have happened that was that bad in my life. (Specifically he was talking about me skipping school and going to the library to read) How after all this time do they still not understand?
My abuse was horrible, and went on for years, and it stole my childhood. But what hurts more was my parents letting me down around the disclosure and the rest of my family being so awkward they walk on eggshells forever. Even my abuser thinks my parents failed me. How ridiculous is that. This being said, I'm still very happy I disclosed. Pretending to be a person I wasn't and acting like I wasn't sick was just an appearance I would never have been able to keep up. I'm grateful for the help I received after disclosure, I simply wish that I could have been in a position where I felt I could trust my family.
This long-winded story is to ask you all, how do you feel about disclosure?
If you haven't disclosed, what has stopped you?
If you have disclosed, what has been your experience?
Do you feel like the people who you disclosed to adequately supported you, and what do you think they could have done differently?
I am not writing this post to be "for" or "against" disclosure. I stand by mine, it's more about how I wish people in general were more informed about abuse and how to support survivors. I wish it didn't have to be like teaching people a whole new language when we are exhausted in learning it ourselves. It is frustrating for the pressure to be on us when frankly we all deserve a break. Disclosure is a personal choice and the research shows that you should disclose IF you want to, and you should not disclose if you don't want to. Trauma takes our power away and recovery is about regaining your power. Listen to your heart and do what is best for you.
@Hoxenos
I read your story and I feel admiration for you. I wish I could be as strong as you. There are so many things I don't understand and so many feelings I can't get rid of. You said you finally accepted what happened but I just can't understand how it is possible to accept something like that. I feel hate for some people and I blame myself for what happened. And I've been falling deeper and deeper in a pit. Every day brings something worse wheter it be a new memory, dissociations, new words that trigger me or whatever.
It also scares me when you say that, even after years, you keep being triggered and have memories about it. Everything happened just a few months ago and I had a slight hope that I would be better in some years. I understand that time can heal me. But I know that I will never be myself again. It scares me. I decided to finally open up to my mom in search for some support. I was so scared to disappoint her, to make her find out what a shameful daughter I am. I was wrong, she's been an angel to me. But now I feel so bad because she's too sad. She feels guilty for letting me alone. I would never blame her, I know it is not her fault, only mine, and I think I should have not told her because it makes me so sad to see her having such a bad time. She tries to be there with me and to be strong, but I know she's falling appart inside. I should have never told her.
@Kimmkimm
Hi Kimm, thanks for replying. First I'd like to say that trauma never affects just one person, and even if you hadn't told your mother, it still would have affected her because it's affecting you. Together we are much stronger. It sounds like you have a really good relationship with your mother, and that's something to feel good about, because I bet if you asked her, she would be happy that you told her, she would say she is happy that she has the opportunity to support you in this.
Second, trauma affects everyone differently. My trauma for example, started when I was too young to understand what was happening and went on for many years. It was in every part of my life, no escape. It moulded who I was as a person because it occured over an entire decade. I have no idea of who I am without my trauma because it was a big part of my life for a long time, and even after it stopped, I still am forced to be close with my abuser and so those feelings come up a lot because of constant reminders. I would get triggered by things like family stuff, such as holidays, because my abuser is in ym family and I would ahve to see him and pretend nothing happened.
Feel free to correct me or tell me I'm wrong, but it sounds like your trauma had a much shorter timeline, and that it doesn't permeate every aspect of your life. Now I'm not a therapist, but generally this will not affect you as deeply and for as long as my trauma affected me. It sounds like you also have a great support system with your mother, which I had no one.
You have only had a few months to heal. It sounds like you've also started being proactive about healing very quickly after your trauma. I waited decades to get help and by taht time had done irreparable damage to my life that required extra time to heal and fix.
I can't give you guarantees, but the fact is that you're seeking help right away, you're working on yourself, you have a support system. These are all factors that help heal trauma much quicker than what I had in my situation.
I don't know what happened in your life, but you are being very hard on yourself. Healing is not a race, btu I know how frustrating and exhausting it can be hoping for things to feel better and every day feeling like nothing is happening. Keep using your resources and stick with it. The fact that you told your mom and she is supportive is awesome, hold onto that. I'm really glad you're not alone in what you're dealing with and like I said before, I bet she is also relieved that you told her because the alternative would have been her feeling very hopeless not understanding how to help you or what to do.
The last thing I want to say is that something you're going to have to face is that what happened probably wasn't your fault. These feelings of trauma normally come up because something happened to us that was outside our control. It is traumatic to feel powerless, and the fact is that we wouldn't CHOOSE our trauma happening to us, so how can it be our fault? Other people are responsible for their own actions, and we our responsible for only our own actions. If someone did something to you, that was their action, their decision, not yours. This being said, I don't know your situation, and I'm not claiming to. It's just that self blame is very common, it is normally about us trying to reclaim control and power. if we take responsibility maybe in some way it hurts less because at least we weren't powerless. but in the long run it hurts us more because we hate ourselves so much for "making that choice" and it messes us up long term in not trusting ourselves and lowering our self-esteem. Can you look at the idea that what happened could possibly be not your fault? If you're not ready that's ok, but jsut let it sit in the back of your mind for a bit, healing takes time.
@Hoxenos
Thank you for your answer. You're right, it didn't happen when I was as young as you were, and it did not take place for a long time. I'm sorry about what happened to you and I can't even imagine the suffering and struggles it has brought to your life. Mine was nothing and I should not complain. Have a lovely week.
@Kimmkimm
Hi Kimm,
What I said was not to minimize what you were going through, but to give you hope that things will get better. You are not a burden when you talk about what you went through and you deserve to be heard and supported. What you went through happened, it is real, and it affected you.
I did not intend to compare our traumas in a "my trauma is worse than your trauma" way. I very passionately, do not believe in that. You are valid, your pain is valid. My pain doesn't invalidate your pain. The reason I spoke about my trauma was to hopefully show that you are not alone, and I wanted to show you that there were reasons I suffered for so long. I said it because I hope that you won't have to suffer for as long as me, I don't want you to be afraid of healing or feel helpless in your situation.
You are doing so great in seeking support. You don't have to say things like "you shouldn't complain" because you went through a lot and you should scream it from the hilltops if you believe it will help. You are such a strong person for seeking support in your healing. I bet it was terrifying to tell your mother and you did it, you were so brave. All these things you're doing in seeking support is your brain wanting to heal and working so hard to do so.
I know I'm just a random stranger on the internet but I'm really proud of you, I hope that you are proud of you too.
@Hoxenos
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be so hard and I apologize. Everything is so fresh in my memory and I feel pain when there is no one harming me, I can smell things that I know are only in my mind, I hear words that are not being said. It is overwhelming, I get anrgy and unreasonable. My friends in my school are also being mean at me. They spread rumors and say bad words about me. I feel adrift, I see no exit. I'm sorry, I was mad, I'm really sorry.
I feel like I can not deal with it anymore. Sometimes I wish it stopped no matter the consequences. I wish I could escape. But I'm still here. I'm glad I came to this thread and I read your post. I could simpathyze with you and, some how, even when we're strangers to each other, you make me feel like I'm not alone. And you give me hope. Thank you 💙
Thank you for sharing your story. Your parents reaction is one of many reasons I'll never disclose. After it all happened, I was so confused. I stayed friends with my abuser for a long time because while I knew in my heart something was wrong, it hadn't clicked in my brain. At the time I was only really upset because he shared some of what had happened to other people we know. Now it's been five years. I have no proof. Everyone I know loves him. He's in a longterm relationship with a friend of mine. If I brought it up now, not only would no one believe me, I'd be the villain for trying to ruin his life. So right now, only my partner and my therapist know. I'm shrinking away more and more as he invades more spaces in my life. My hands are tied, figuratively this time.
@Beansidhe0
Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who does not intend to disclose, it must take a lot of strength to seek support from those you do feel comfortable sharing with.
Disclosure is one of the most confusing and argued about topics within sexual crimes. People victim blame because we don't come forward, but in reality we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. People who have not been through this stuff are so judgemental so I completely understand your choice to not disclose. Howeer, it sounds like this choice is in some ways causing you distress because of his invading different parts of your life.
I was very lucky in that I was believed, but it sucks how even while being believed you can still be minimized. So in these cases there really is no right answer. We can only keep listening to our hearts and listening to what we need. I spoke out because my heart was screaming to be heard. I felt the need to tell everyone. But other people are in danger if they tell, so they must listen to their safety.
At first disclosing was horrible for me. But in a way it was also terribly relieving. I no longer felt judged for having issues. I no longer needed to hide behind excuses about why I wasn't going to places where he'd be. I could finally be my authentic self because the fact is that what happened wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve to carry all the weight when he was the one who should share that burden.
No one can ever tell you what to do about your own story. But I hope that during the choice to not disclose you remember that what happened to you was not right, and you deserve to be heard by whoever you choose to tell. You deserve to feel safe. What happened was not your fault, and no amount of other people saying he's a great guy should sway your knowledge of reality. What happened is real.
@Hoxenos Thank you for your kind response. The choice to not disclose definitely weighs heavily on me. My partner does not agree with my decision and it was a huge point of contention in our relationship for a long time. He's more supportive and less combative now, but I just don't know how to explain my motives. I am firm in my decision 90% of the time, but there are some moments (like right now) where I just want to spill my soul in hope that I'll get my life back. That won't happen how I want it to though so I just have to be content with staying silent.
@Beansidhe0
It's ok to never be 100% sure of disclosing. I think that's pretty natural as there are a lot of variables changing daily probably. There may be a time in the future when you want to tell and that's ok. Perhaps you need to get to a place where mentally and physically you feel safe.
It sounds like right now, the cons outweight the pros because you feel that your life will change too much, and the known is better than the unknown. I remember that when I first started therapy, I was afraid in some ways because I didn't know who I would be after. I know that's not the same sitaution, but it feels like maybe the same fear. Remember, your story is your story to tell, not anyone else's, even your partner. I'm glad that he's respecting your decision. I find a lot of the time people don't understand not telling because they have the privelege of being believed in our society, as unfortunately "some animals are more equal than others." And they've simply never lived through injustice.
@Hoxenos
I have only disclosed to my therapist. I was very young when it started and it went on for several years. I tried to tell when I was younger but they either didn't understand or didn't believe me. It was a family friend. It messed with my head for a long time. I was not able to get in therapy until 10 years later. It took me years to come to terms with what happened. Now I think there is no point in disclosing to my family. It won't change what happened and I think they won't believe me. My abuser is respected in the community where I used to live. I have a daughter that I need to protect.
@RedHawk6547
Hi Red, thank you so much for sharing your story. Especially as someone who opts not to disclose, it must be especially painful to put these words onto paper. I really connect with what you said about trying to disclose at a young age and nothing happening. I believe (vaguely) that I did something similar and the fact is that I was so young I'm sure I probably didn't explain it well, because at that age you don't really understand what's happening, you don't know the words for all the things happening.
I really respect your decision to want to protect your daughter. It does sound like you've put it away as best as you can and you've accepted things as they are. Acceptance doesn't mean we condone what happened and think it's ok. Accepting is healthy and necessary in the face of not being able to control the situation. It sounds like you are doing the best thing for your health.
I want to tell you that I see you. I believe you. I am angry on your behalf for the injustice you suffered and I think you are an amazing strong survivor. Thank you again for sharing with us.
@Hoxenos
I admire you for your courage and ability to be firm with your boundaries.
TW::::I am not sure if what I went through "technically" classified as abuse (he touched me inappropriately a few times, when he used to come to our home, but I escaped before he could do anything serious. After I realised that what he was doing and trying to do was not okay, I kept my distance from him and always found a way to escape if he tried getting me alone.P.S.I was 7-9 when this happened).
As for the disclosure, I told my mom when I was 15. (I am 22 now).She still feels guilty about not being able to protect her daughter. Some of my closest friends know and they have been super supportive and always patient when I have flashbacks.
The thing that I wish was different, was my reaction to all of this. When I told my mom, I begged her not to make a scene and confront him, as I was scared of him and didn't want to face the aftermath if his family knew (His wife and my mom were friends for 30+ years). I also felt/feel guilty about ruining his wife's friendship with my mom. My mom stopped talking to her properly after that. Only when she calls will my mother talk to her. She feels bad and hurt that my mom doesn't talk to her properly, and my mom doesn't say anything to clarify that to her, because of my request. I still pretend that all is okay, when they come to visit, because I don't want to confront him and I am scared that he'd come back to complete "it". I still call him Uncle if I see him, though I try my best to make myself scarce when he's at my home. I feel ashamed that I don't have the courage to stand up to him.
@Hoxenos
Thank you for sharing this. It’s a really important question. I personally feel that the disclosure caused me much more trauma than the actual abuse and often I regret having said anything although I know it was my right to do so. I experienced attacks from those who didn’t, or better say, didn’t want, to believe me, and from those who did believe me I expericed the same what you describe - no action whatsoever and very little compassion.
My boundaries have also become extremely strict with people now, I am not half as ‘forgiving’ as I used to be. I recognize that this has made me a much better, mature, and confident person who has become exponentially productive and positive. On the other hand, I am now being treated as if I am ‘the bad guy’ for refusing to cut any more slacks and I am being almost openly resented for all of my successes.
I do not intend to go back to the old ways, however, I just recognize now that some people are toxic in their thinking and despite the fact that they might not be abusing anyone themselves, but they are providing all the space and safety for the abusers to do so and therefore have equal if not even a greater fault in it.
I wouldn’t hope that the people who do not respect boundaries or do not have the ability to acknowledge the abuse and then sanction abusers will ever change. It’s a difficult realization but it’s the truth. I refuse to waste any more of my life and whoever thinks in toxic ways, family or not, I send them to the trash can. Harsh? Maybe. But certainly just and healthy.