Why can't i get over it

I have been sexually assaulted twice wasn't rape though i know i shouldn't feel as violated since i wasn't even undressed but i still do feel violated from only one of those times i want to get over it but i can't and i hate it .

It was done my half older brother 6 years ago and it makes me feel so disgusted of myself from the inside out why can't i get over it why do i still remember it all the time why do i always see his face whenever I'm aroused sexually just so he could ruin my mood i hate him so much..

Why am i making a big deal of just one minute of being pinned down , groped and getting felt up it happened to me before with a stranger man and i got over it quickly didn't even get effected by it that much but when HE did it to me i can't get over it and it felt way more disgusting than a stranger doing it.

The worst part is...my younger sibling just turned 18 he is the closest brother to me but ever since he hit puberty he's starting to look just like him i hate it this year he got taller more and started growing facial hair which made him look almost like my half brother twin which makes me feel disgusted by him it's not his fault and it's not fair and i hate it.

Also ever since it happened to me i started getting nightmares of being sexual with almost all my male family members it's so gross my mind is so gross i hate it i hate how i always remember the nightmares vividly too.

I no longer see him irl so i want to stop always seeing his face in my mind i want to stop remembering the disgusting feeling of him rubbing himself against me i want to stop feeling so disgusted of him and of myself whenever i get a flashback i want to stop having flashbacks I'm still a virgin and i don't want what he did to me to ruin all sexual thoughts for me.

I feel bad writing here I'm not a rape victim and technically what was done to me was not nearly as bad as what other women experienced why can't i get over it!!