am i still living the hell?

when i was a little girl probably about maybe 5 years old i met this lovely girl. we became best friends and were like sister joined at the hip. it started as only a couple days out of the week and then when he moved in with them it was everyday, multiple times a day... i wanted to tell someone but he told me i would get in trouble, that it was all my fault. i believed him. it started when i was nine or i think it did thats the earliest i can remember it... i thought i could trust him. and part of me still does. i reported my rape/ molestation in march of this year. i was scared out of my mind. but i couldn't take it back. he was arrested and charged with Rape of a child in the first degree... thats the highest he can be charged... it is now august and after all the interviews and meetings with people there is still no result. i wanna go to trial but at the same time i am terrified to death. he is my family... but at the same time i wanna get justice for what he did to me. im now 16 and the abuse just stopped in march. thats at least 6 years of rape and molestation. thats a lot to handle for a child. i get suicidal thoughts and urges and i have selfed harmed but am 3 weeks clean. there are days that i just wanna be done and die. i have been seconds away from overdosing... but something always stops me. i wonder why i even reported.. because i lost my best friend and her family that i have known for over 11 years. i just dont know what to think, or what to do. im scared that if he is found not guilty that he will do as he told me before i reported... that thing was that i would be his when i was 18, if i didnt live next door anymore he would track me down and make me his. that was so my virginty would be his. but you wanna know something he toke that from me when i was 14... he took my front when i was 14. my back when i was nine. he took everything for me. so i question myslef, Am i still living this hell called life?